Nightmare Fodder: Hitchcock’s Highway

Holy. Shit.

There are few things in life that I have bigger issues with than dirty-ass f’n birds.

I am legitimately freaked out by birds and have been since I was a little kid.

There’s this irrational fear I have that they’re all going to come dive-bombing at my face and pluck out my damned eyeballs or give me a wedgie and make out with Grace or something. I don’t really know what I’m thinking they’re going to do, but I know it scares the piss outta me.

As such, I have no f’n idea how the people who live in Florence, Alabama, put up with this shit:

A sure sign that cold weather has arrived is when residents begin complaining about massive flocks of blackbirds, starlings and grackles in their neighborhoods.

Keith Hudson, a wildlife biologist for the Alabama Department of Conservation and Natural Resources, said the birds gather in large flocks in the fall.

“This time of year is when the really big flocks start showing up around here,” Hudson said.

More than 5,000 birds can gather in some flocks.

Apparently, this happens every freakin’ fall and lasts pretty much all way through until the Spring when the temperatures warm up and the birds scatter and these folks are so nonchalant about the whole damn thing. They just go on about how they’ve gotta avoid stepping in bird crap and they have to make a lot of noise to keep scaring the birds off. All the while, they’re acting like flocks of five-f’n-thousand blood-thirsty, evil winged-devils ain’t no thang.

I just don’t get people sometimes.

Now, because they think they’re cute, these folks have taken to calling this particular stretch of road “Hitchcock’s Highway,” in reference to the 1963 classic “The Birds” by Alfred Hitchcock.

Personally, I have taken to calling this particular stretch of road “reason number 1,627 why I have zero desire to visit Alabama.”

Seriously, these people need to get the hell out while the gettin’ is good and set the place on fire behind ‘em.

F’n birds, man…