Posted by: Jeremiah Graves | October 15, 2019

Cactus Bread Power Rankings


Today was the first official meeting of the Lunch Bunch™ – a group of fellas from my fantasy baseball league who all live in the same town and will be getting together for lunch at least once a month. Note: I have no idea if they enjoy being referred to as the Lunch Bunch™, but that’s what I’ve dubbed them and this is my blog, so they can suck it.

At the inaugural meet-up today, they went to a Midwestern staple – Pizza Ranch! If you’ve never been to a Pizza Ranch your life has – in short – been completely wasted and you should rectify this mistake post-haste. Pizza Ranch is best known for its buffet that includes all manner of pizzas, salads, chicken, mashed potatoes, ice cream, and Cactus Bread.

Cactus Bread is essentially a dessert pizza that consists of cinnamon streusel and icing. Over the years, Cactus Bread has evolved beyond the original cinnamon flavor to include a number of different dessert options.

While in a fit of jealousy over my friends gastrointestinal exploits this afternoon, I’ve opted to create the definitive Cactus Bread power rankings. Feel free to disagree, but be aware that you’re wrong.


1. Cherry

Cherry pie is arguably the best of all pies. It’s a top three pie for me and easily the best of the berry pies. Naturally, when you take cherry pie filling and dump it on Cactus Bread, it’s a winner all the way. If this sucker is on the buffet, you can bet your bottom dollar that I’m eating most of the dang thing myself.


2. Blueberry

Blueberry comes in with basically the same rationale at cherry, but it doesn’t have the tartness, so it’s a little more saccharine sweet and it makes it tricky to eat more than six slices in a single sitting, but it’s still delicious and worthy of high-praise and a blob of vanilla soft-serve.


3. Cinnamon/Original

The O.G. of the dessert pizza world for me and many-a-Midwesterner. The only drawback is that without a fruity blob of goo, it’s the most prone to drying out when left under the warming lamps on the buffet. If you get it fresh, however, it’s gonna rock your face off.


4. Peach

Peach is so good. It is also divisive. People have some very strong pro/anti-peach takes and that makes this one a tricky sell for a lot of folks. I am pro-peach, but I have also only encountered this particular version of Cactus Bread in the wild on one occasion. It had been out under the lamps for a bit, so it comes in at the four spot as a result.


5. Apple

Apple is, you know, fine. I like apple pie. You probably like apple pie. It’s so ubiquitous that it doesn’t really do much for me or my taste buds. I’ll opt for any of the other flavors if they’re available before I’ll reach for a slice of apple Cactus Bread…but if it’s the only one on the buffet, I’m not saying no.



Chocolate (unranked)

Chocolate is an elusive version of Cactus Bread that I’ve yet to encounter in my travels. Ideally, I will change that and revisit these rankings after my trek homeward for the holidays. I feel like a blob of ice cream on this sucker could be perfection.


Pumpkin (unranked)

Pumpkin is a seasonal special that I was unaware existed until the Lunch Bunch™ clued me in this afternoon when I shared my initial power rankings. It is also quite likely to be long since departed by the holidays, thus rendering it impossible for me to sample. Dammit.

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