Posted by: Jeremiah Graves | April 24, 2009

Public Service Announcement: Assaults on the Rise

birdvictimThis morning, I was assaulted on my way to work.

Yeah that’s right folks, it can happen anywhere—even in safe little Cambridge, Massachusetts!!

It’s hard for me to talk about, but I think I need to get it off my chest. So here goes…

I was walking to work today, minding my own business, and I was on the sidewalk between a building and a bunch of bushes. Seems simple enough, right?! Well it’s not!!

So there I am walking peacefully, right. I’m just sauntering along bobbing my head to “Best Days of Your Life” and thinking about what a beautiful day it is and how I can’t wait go buy donuts for my co-workers and life is great and wonderful.

…and then it happened.

Out of nowhere…

*takes a deep breath*

Sorry, getting a little choked up trying to talk about it.

Out of nowhere…a bird flew up and out of one of the bushes and rammed into me.

That’s right…one of those devil winged-vermin launched itself out of the bushes and into my shoulder. I did what any dude with an irrational fear of birds would do and I screamed like a small child and ran off toward the building, arms flailing madly about.

The bird did roughly the same thing in the other direction.

Now I don’t know if it was a pigeon, a robin, a hawk, an eagle, an osprey or a pterodactyl…but it was big. REALLY f’n big!! And it was angry and violent and psychotic and fueled on PCP, homemade whiskey and animalistic rage.

Heed my warning, Faithful Readers…this can happen to you too!!

Any time. Any place. Birds are out there.

…and they’re f’n evil (and probably on drugs).


  1. hahahahaha

    there really isn’t any other way for me to respond.


  2. C’mon now. I was worried about you mid-post, but then, a bird?! A bird?!



  3. […] are few things in life that I have bigger issues with than dirty-ass f’n […]


  4. […] it is playing mind games, physically assaulting me, publicly humiliating me, haunting my dreams, or attempting to destroy the modern world…birds […]


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