Posted by: Jeremiah Graves | June 9, 2009

Birds Suck


Our apartment is near a park, right…so we’ve got tons of birds and squirrels and stray cats and unsupervised children milling about at all-times. It’s basically like living in a petting zoo of sorts, you know…except with children on the wrong side of the cages.

Anyway, things have usually been pretty copacetic between us and the animal kingdom that exists out our backdoor, but lately something has upset that harmonic balance.

You see, there’s this bird hanging around outside our apartment and this bird is a HUGE pain in the ass.

This beaked menace is loud as all hell and just keeps squawking incessantly.

Like all freakin’ day long.

This ornithological nuisance sounds like a cross between a whimpering dog and a squeaky car tire.

When you yell at it to shut up, it just gets louder and goes on-and-on for like ten minutes without stopping to take a breath. I assume that’s because it is some sort of demonic hellspawn with wings and doesn’t require oxygen for survival.

Grace has thrown down guesses that it’s either a Magpie or some species of irritating blackbird.

Me, on the other hand, I am going to go ahead and say I’m pretty sure it’s one of the very rare winged-douchebags.

The winged-douchebag is a majestic creature that was created in a joint venture by Carrot Top and Paris Hilton. They had all-the-sex and what popped out was a shrill, exasperating, feathered creature that wouldn’t shut up…ever.

As such, for the sake of mankind—and what little remains of my sanity—I must figure out a way to slay this gosh-darned thing so that I can open my windows and go outside to grill in peace.

I am accepting all suggestions. Currently my game-plan consists of the following steps:

-Figure out which tree it’s in.
-Wait for nightfall.
-Dress in all black.
-Paint my face all black.
-Climb the tree like a ninja.
-Punch him in the face/beak.
-Victory dance.

If you’ve got anything better than that I’m all ears.

Although I’m not gonna lie, the thought of slugging that feathered freak in the beak kinda makes me all tingly.

My only fear is that the rest of the birds would rise up in arms (or would it be wings) to avenge their fallen comrade. As I’ve mentioned a time or two previously…I’ve kinda got some issues with birds.

Perhaps I’ll wait for some user suggestions before scaling the tree in my ninja-garb.

Note: Please submit your suggestions ASAP…time is VERY MUCH of the essence.



  1. 1) I ❤ magpies! I've never seen one around here… I'd be pretty pumped if Grace is right.

    2) Drew and I have a very similar-sounding bird who likes to hang around on the tree outside our bedroom window and just squawk in the way you described. Either there's more than one of these Carrot Top Hilton birds, or we're being stalked by the same one. If I figure out anything about it or any ways to take it down, I'll let you know. All I can ask is the same in return.

    3) Also, I suggest punching it in the face/beak from the side, so you don't impale your fist on the sharp beakiness.


    • Intriguing…I assume before the summer is out one of us will have slain this vulture.

      PS: I will definitely be punching from the side.


  2. How you should solve this is you should
    Stick a flamingo or othersuch intimidating lawn ornament (raindeer, halloween zombies, Vote for Sarah Palin as 2012 president pickets) in this bird’s pad, and it will come to the tree at night and think “I am being kicked out by someone much more awesome than I, it must be due to my lack of self restraint” and then he will leave and question his life.

    B) You should find his tree and menacingly stare at this bird until it’s really akward to the point where he might misinterpret your disdainful gaze for you a red hot gaze of love. Then he will realize the barriers (species) that seperate you and run off to Italy where he will go and sparkle, while you commit suicide with a shirtless wolfman.

    C) You can get a pellet gun and shoot virtually harmless pellets at it, until it retaliates


  3. […] are few things in life that I have bigger issues with than dirty-ass f’n […]


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