Posted by: Jeremiah Graves | September 5, 2009

Birds: The Battle Rages On

birds coming at meAvid readers of my blog are well aware that I dislike birds a great deal.

You see, I’ve had many a run-in with the winged-pests as evidenced HERE, HERE and HERE.

Today, however, these little bastards took it to a whole new level.

You see, I’ve been attacked by birds before. They seem to enjoy surrounding me and flying into me and making me cry like small child.

The thing is, these events usually take place when I’m alone and there are no witnesses, thus leaving people to think I’m batshit crazy when I start ranting about how a pigeon attacked me.

Well today these little frickers stepped it up to a whole new level.

They’ve stepped it up to public humiliation.

That’s right, my Faithful Readers, today some douchey Cambridge Pigeons went out of their way to make me look f’n ridiculous in front of a large group of incoming freshman.

Let me start by explaining the difference between Southie Pigeons and Cambridge Pigeons.

Pigeons in Southie would hang out on the street corners and eat Dunkin’ Donuts scraps, pizza scraps and/or other pigeons. Pretty much anything that touched the ground, they’d gobble up.

Additionally, they didn’t really give a rat’s ass that you were there. They’d pretty much ignore you at all costs, because they were busy looking to pick off an unattended poodle or toddler.

Cambridge Pigeons are all vegans and hangout around Whole Foods hoping that someone will drop some granola or mango chutney. They don’t own or watch television and they absolutely never leave the nest without a reusable grocery bag.

Oh yeah and they’re also vindictive sumbitches.

As such, they’re looking for something that’ll leave a bigger emotional scar than just flying into me in private and disappearing into the sky.

Okay, so there I was wandering to work and minding my own business, just bobbing my head along to some Taylor Swift and enjoying the sun.

As I got near the student center, the sidewalk in front of me started to fill up with pigeons. I didn’t really think much of it kept walking. I figured there was a large group of moony-eyed freshman wandering from the other direction and they’d disperse the birds.

Only the freshmen stopped to take pictures of stuff, because that’s what freshmen do and I was left to make the birds scatter.

Only they didn’t scatter.

In fact, they just sat there and stared at me.

Imagine it if you will, six pigeons hanging out and just looking at me like I’m a jackass.

As one might expect, I felt a little emasculated by this encounter, so I stepped it up a notch and I began waving my arms and stomping towards them, as if to say “screw you birds, I’m 200 times your size, move your tail-feather, bitches!”

They replied by all storming at me and sending me flailing like a small child in the other direction after letting out a feeble, child-like squeak.

Then I looked up to see all of the freshmen staring at me and—if my suspicions are correct—taking pictures of me.

The freshmen then walked past the birds, all of whom flew up and away—like birds are supposed to do—all whilst cooing at me, as if to say “head back to the country where you belong, Hayseed…”


I f’n hate birds.



  1. […] are few things in life that I have bigger issues with than dirty-ass f’n […]


  2. […] it is playing mind games, physically assaulting me, publicly humiliating me, haunting my dreams, or attempting to destroy the modern world…birds are seemingly always going […]


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