Posted by: Jeremiah Graves | June 15, 2012

Game Over: Lindsay Lohan

I think I speak for everyone when I say that it’s time to launch Lindsay Lohan into the sun.

Seriously, just ball her boney ass up in a big ole cannon, load that sucker up with all the gun-powder we can get our mitts on, and fire her into outer space.

I’m sick of hearing about her on the news. I’m sick of reading about her all of the internet. I’m sick of her “comeback” already and it really hasn’t even happened yet.

I’m just flat-out over it.

In the times I’ve written about Lindsay Lohan previously, I’ve always held out a glimmer of hope that she’d one day get her shit together, but it’s just not gonna happen.

Her shit is a mess.

I’ve reached the point where I know that the glory days of “Mean Girls” are nothing more than a distant, fleeting memory and she’s never going to be that Lindsay Lohan again.

In the past couple of months, I heard that she was a complete pain in the ass on the set of Glee and was impossible to work with. This is mind-blowing, because she’s only in the episode she filmed for, like, a grand total of three minutes. She has maybe half-a-dozen lines. What the shit?!

I’ve heard all about her flipping out over the casting for her Lifetime movie based on Elizabeth Taylor. Apparently, she was demanding that they find an A-list actor to play opposite her in the movie.

This despite the fact that she gobbled up most of the movie’s budget already, the fact that she’s a pain in the ass to work with, and oh yeah…the fact that it’s a freakin’ Lifetime movie.

George Clooney and Brad Pitt aren’t signing on for that train-wreck; Rob Lowe, maybe, but not an A-lister.

Sorry Lindsay, but you’re not getting that Oscar you think you’re entitled to for anything that happens on Lifetime. Just chillax.

Then there was the whole incident last week where she totaled her Porsche by driving it into a freakin’ dump truck, but claimed she wasn’t driving and tried to bribe the driver of the truck and lied to the cops and had an open container in the back and yadda-yadda-yadda.

How in the blue hell does this lunatic still have a drivers’ license?!

I was in a car accident in high school—another story for another time—that didn’t involve any other cars. It didn’t involve any injuries to anyone but lil ole me. Despite these facts, I lost my license for two years.

I’m pretty sure that Lindsay Lohan is responsible for 63% of the automobile accidents that occur in Los Angeles every year, but she’s still got a license. Seriously, Google “Lindsay Lohan + car crash.” I got more than 37 million results.

Yet she’s still got her license?! That’s some serious bullshit right there.

Make the chick take a taxi or the bus or something.

Finally, the icing on the cake is that she is blowing up the interwebs today because she was reportedly “found unconscious in her hotel room and rushed to the hospital.”

I can’t avoid it—you know, short of doing real work or something—she’s all over the internet right now. Just splashed across the front pages of everything and blowing up my Facebook and Twitter feeds.

…and then it turns out that none of it really happened.

The producers of the aforementioned Lifetime movie called 911 when Lohan didn’t show up for filming this morning and then they were unable to wake her ass up when they went to her penthouse at the Ritz-Carlton.

She claims she is suffering from exhaustion and dehydration—working on a movie for the first time in years must be downright killer—and is a-okay, but resting before she returns to the set.


If my world is going to get overrun with Lindsay Lohan updates because she can’t wake up to an alarm clock and that makes everyone immediately assume she’s dead, things have gone too far. It’s seriously time to get rid of this chick once and for all.

She’s clearly never going to jail. She can’t stay in rehab forever. Despite being in the top five contenders in every “celebrity death pool” around the world, she seemingly refuses to die. She won’t, you know, just disappear and have a normal, quiet life.

Thus, we’ve gotta launch her into the sun.

I think we can all agree, it is the only logical option at this point.




  1. At first, I felt sorry for this girl because she thrown into the spotlight WAY too early and has a mom and dad that used her as a meal ticket. Then I realized that she is grown woman now and that there are many other people in this world that get a lot of sh** thrown at them while growing up , but then become upstanding citizens because they work their butts off to not let all that negativity ruin their lives. So, I no longer feel sorry for the rich girl. 😉


    • …so you’ll help me acquire a cannon and copious amounts of gun-powder?!


      • Sounds like a great plan to me! 🙂 But who will replace her on the oh-so-anticipated Lifetime movie about Elizabeth Taylor? You know how Emmy-worthy those Lifetime movies are! LOL! Well, maybe not, cuz you’re a guy….maybe Grace knows! 😉


      • Call me crazy, but I think the fine folks at Lifetime will manage to survive without the chick who can’t even wake up in time to make it to the set.

        There’s gotta be plenty of other C or D-list celebrities gunning for that role, right?!


  2. I have a bad cough this week…*coughcoughCRACKWHOREcoughcoughWASTEOF CARBONATOMScoughcough*…but this about sums up my view of Lindsey.


    • That is a pretty rough–and accurate–cough you’ve got there.


  3. […] When she’s not getting high, crashing cars, posing for nude pictures no one wants to see, making awful CDs, getting drunk, going into rehab, getting arrested, filming crappy movies, and/or doing some combination of the aforementioned activities, she’s just straight-up sucking at life. […]


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