Lindsay Lohan Sucks at Life

Remember Mean Girls?

Remember when Lindsay Lohan was super hot?

I do, vaguely anyway.

I’ve got to be honest that fleeting memory is fading deeper and deeper into the dark recesses of my mind. Soon it’ll be in the unreachable wasteland that houses algebra equations, old phone numbers, and Savage Garden lyrics.

Remember Savage Garden? Exactly.

Anyway, as I’m sure all y’all read somewhere today, Lindsay Lohan is suing E*Trade for $100 million.

Why is she suing them you ask?! Well obviously she’s got a good reason. Let’s go to the unflappable New York Post to find out what that reason might be…

Lindsay Lohan is suing the financial company E-Trade, insisting that a boyfriend-stealing, “milkaholic” baby in its latest commercial — who happens to be named Lindsay — was modeled after her. And she wants $100 million for her pain and suffering

Now when I said she had a “good reason” for suing, obviously I meant “bat-shit crazy rationale” that could only be conjured up in the mind of some sort of strung-out former teen starlet…

For anyone who hasn’t seen the “controversial” commercial, here it is in all its Lohan-bashing glory:

Ah yes, clearly I could see how Lindsay Lohan would be offended by that one. You know with the babies and the stocks and whatnot. She was once a baby once and I’m sure she had money once. I could see how that warrants her a $100 million payday for pain and suffering.

Heck, maybe she’ll even invest with E*Trade to diversify her portfolio.

I’m sure she won’t just blow it all on heroin and whiskey or anything foolish like that.

Making this completely baseless lawsuit seem all the more delusional is this quote from Lohan’s lawyer, Stephanie Ovadia who claimed that Lohan has single-name recognition, just like—get this—Madonna or Oprah.

“Many celebrities are known by one name only, and E*Trade is using that knowledge to profit,” Ovadia said. “They used the name Lindsay … This is a subliminal message. Everybody’s talking about it and saying it’s Lindsay Lohan.”

Ah yes, because when I hear the name Lindsay…in any context, no matter how completely asinine, I obviously think of Ms. Lohan. It’s instantaneous and unavoidable.

Puh-leeze…

In the words of today’s youth…“Bitch, you be trippin’…”

When I hear Lindsay, my first thought always goes to the lovely and talented Ms. Lindsey Quick (that’s Lindsey with an “e”), not to Lohan.

If you were to walk up to me and say that a crazy coked-out redhead had just plowed her BMW through the side of an Arby’s…well then sure…at that point Lindsay Lohan might be my go-to, but she’s certainly not the end-all, be-all of Lindsays (or Lindseys) in my book.

Honestly, I don’t get what the big deal is…implying that she drinks too much milk is probably the nicest thing anyone has said about Lohan in years. She should be relishing in the first positive press she’s gotten since before the release of the cinematic abortion that was Herbie: Fully Loaded.

Man…Lindsay Lohan sucks at life.

*************************