When I was a kid one of my favorite things to do was go for pickup rides.
My brothers and I would pile into the bed of my dad’s pickup truck and he’d take us on a scenic tour of northwest Iowa’s finest gravel roads.
My parents dug it because they could sit up front and putz around back roads and have a legit conversation without being interrupted by us.
We dug it because we got to sit in the back and holler at cows and swallow bugs and stuff.
It is one of my favorite childhood memories.
In retrospect, it may not have been the safest thing in the world, but it is when you compare it to—oh I don’t know—strapping your kids to the hood of your car while you drunkenly drive home from the liquor store.
That’s the type of joyride that Aaron Stefanski took his kids on earlier this week.
Here are the details from the Fort Wayne Journal Gazette:
Police have charged a man accused of driving three blocks with four young children strapped to the hood of his vehicle with driving while intoxicated and neglect of a dependent.
Fort Wayne police were called about 5:30 p.m. Monday after someone saw a man and woman strap four children to the hood of a car in the parking lot of a liquor store at 2116 Fairfield Ave. and then drive away, according to a statement from police spokesman John Chambers.
The witness told police he saw a man and woman using a tow strap to tie the children to the car and then drive away, police spokeswoman Raquel Foster said.
The man had a blood-alcohol content of 0.17 percent, more than twice Indiana’s legal limit for driving, Foster said.
What the shit was this guy thinking?!
At what point does anyone ever think that busting out a tow strap and latching the kids to the front of the car is a good idea?!
Well, luckily for us, there was some follow-up comments from this dude so we know exactly what he was thinking; Stefanski sums it all up in one fell swoop, also from the Fort Wayne Journal Gazette:
“I was only going to drive around the corner. I thought they would like it.”
Oh, well nevermind then. Forget everything I said.
He thought they’d like it.
Plus, he was only going to drive around the corner.
No big deal.
This is clearly a huge overreaction on my part. I mean if he though they’d dig it AND he was only going around the corner, this ain’t no thang.
In fact, let’s go ahead and nominate this dude for father of the year. He is clearly thinking outside the box and trying to come up with new and innovative ways to entertain his children. I mean you can’t teach ingenuity like that.
You gotta love his moxie, right?!
Oh wait, that’s right, there’s more to the story:
Police said Stefanski did not have valid insurance and when they went to tow the vehicle, they found two cold 24-ounce Magnum beers inside a pink backpack inside the car.
Okay, yeah, I go back to my previous stance.
This dude is a total dipshit.
Take away the kids. Take away the license. Take away the car. Take away the tow strap.
Leave the pink backpack with the shitty beers.