I am not a parent. I am not going to be a parent anytime soon.
Thanks to story from the Huffington Post, I’m about to do so again. This time, instead of going after one piss-poor parent, I’m going to attack a whole bunch of psychotic parents from Switzerland, specifically any parent who has hired Dominic Deville.
Who is Dominic Deville you ask? Well let me tell you.
Dominic Deville is the “evil birthday clown” at the top of the page. This dude hires himself out to hunt down children like prey for a week leading up to their birthday.
Here is his basic “child-stalking routine” taken from an interview with The Metro:
Dominic Deville stalks young victims for a week, sending chilling texts, making prank phone calls and setting traps in letterboxes.
He posts notes warning children they are being watched, telling them they will be attacked.
But Deville is not an escaped lunatic or some demonic monster.
He is a birthday treat, hired by mum and dad, and the ‘attack’ involves being splatted in the face with a cake.
Holy balls! That may be the most frightening setup of all-time.
What in the blue hell are these people thinking?!
What type of demented parent thinks this is going to be fun for their child?
Seriously, there are maybe four things scarier than clowns and one of those four things is EVIL F’N CLOWNS!!
(Blogger’s Note: In case you’re curious, the other three are Carrot Top, the inevitable Lindsay Lohan autobiography, and squishy toilet seats.)
In what world do kids want to be stalked by a demon clown from hell for a week leading up to their birthday?!
As a kid—and even still as an adult—I find that I have zero desire to piss my pants every day leading up to my birthday. It kinda spoils the whole “celebratory” feel of the day when you’re hiding under your bed covered in your own urine and whimpering into a pillow.
We’ve all been there. We all know how much that sucks.
So why the hell would you go out of your way to put your kids through this?!
I mean come on; there is no reason to pay some freak good money to torment your kid.
You’re a parent! You get to torment your children for free; every day for the rest of their lives. That’s your right as a parent.
Why pay someone else to do the job for you; especially if it’s going to land your kid in therapy for the next decade?
Then you’ve got to tell the therapist that the kid is all messed up because you paid a killer clown to stalk your child for kicks and giggles. Call me crazy, but that doesn’t win you any parent of the year awards. Heck, it probably lands you some couch sessions right alongside your offspring.
So in addition to being absolutely crazy as all hell, it’s just a poor fiscal decision on so many levels. You’ve got to pay a psychotic middle-aged man in a clown outfit. You’ve got to pay a therapist for the next decade. You’ve probably got to move or at least install a home security system for your kid to sleep soundly at night.
It’s expensive to mess with your kid’s head like this. If that isn’t reason enough to keep these kooky Swiss parents from calling on the evil birthday clown of doom, I don’t know what is.
Clearly common sense is not an option.