Buy Me Things

I’d like you to buy me a dead man’s underwear.

Well, okay…they’re not technically underwear, they’re wrestling trunks; but for all intents and purposes they’re really just fancy underwear worn in choreographed combat.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not just out trolling for any random pair of old, sweaty undies like some sort of lunatic.

No, no…the underwear I’m looking to acquire belonged to (and adorned the steroid-riddled posterior of) the one and only, “Macho Man” Randy Savage.

“Macho Man” Randy Savage is one of the most iconic characters in the history of professional wrestling.

His gravelly voice, wild hair, over-the-top intensity, bright costumes, and in-ring mastery made him standout in an era full of larger than life characters all battling for their moment in the spotlight.

It was, however, his presence in the marketing campaign for Slim Jim that led to his greatest notoriety outside of the wrestling crowd:

When I was a kid, I was a huge “Macho Man” Randy Savage fan.

He was the much, much cooler alternative to my older brother’s favorite wrestler, the All-American goody two shoes, Hulk Hogan.

Hogan did a leg drop to finish his opponents. Savage did a flying elbow drop from the top rope.

Hogan was a loner. Savage had a gorgeous ring valet named Ms. Elizabeth.

Hogan wore the same yellow trunks and yellow boots to the ring for every match. Savage had a vast array of ring attire that made him standout from the rest of the wrestlers.

Hogan couldn’t tell the difference between a wrist lock and a wrist watch. Savage could legitimately wrestle with the best in the business and make anyone look like a million bucks.

Hogan could (at the time) only play the straight-laced good guy. Savage could transition from good guy to bad guy and back again and play both roles like a seasoned actor.

Most importantly, while Hogan seemed to give the same boring interview time and time again; Savage could cut some of the most insane promos of all-time:

He also knew how to be eloquent, funny, and entertaining to a mainstream audience. All the while managing to mack on late ‘80s hotties like Morgan Fairchild:

Seriously, try to tell me that Hulk Hogan is, was, or ever could be cooler than the “Macho Man.”

Go ahead, I’ll wait.

Can’t do it, huh?! No worries, no one can.

Luckily, you have the opportunity to really throw your support behind Team Savage (seriously…suck it, Hogan), by buying me his old undies.

Right here, right now…you have the opportunity to bid on a pair of Savage’s wrestling trunks from his late ‘80s run as the “Macho King” after he defeated “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan for the King of the Ring crown.

Now if you’ll recall, the last time I begged you to bid on old wrestling memorabilia for me, it was for a ring coat that belonged to the Ultimate Warrior. That sucker was going for $7,500.

Suddenly, the $1,600 price tag on these tights doesn’t seem so bad, does it?!

No, I didn’t think so. Clearly you should rush out and buy this for me. They even have the “Buy It Now” option so that you don’t have to waste your time with bidding.

So hurry up and throw down some cash, because Randy Savage’s underwear won’t be available forever, and that’s a damn shame.

(Blogger’s Note: If someone buys this for me, I’m pretty sure I can convince Grace to let me wear them in our wedding. OOOOOOOHHHHHH YEEEEAAAAHHH!!!)