Kidnapper Sues Hostages (for the Wrong Reasons)

Lex Luthor. The Joker. James “Whitey” Bulger. Jesse Dimmick.

One of these things is not like the others. One of these things just doesn’t belong. Can you tell which thing is not like the others?

The first three are all master criminals (more or less) and the fourth dude is a dumbass from Colorado.

Dimmick, 25, is currently serving an 11-year jail sentence for his suspected role in a 2009 murder and the odd chain of events that followed the murder.

Apparently, Dimmick was fleeing the police in a stolen vehicle when he crashed it and burst into the Topeka, Kansas, home of Jared and Lindsay Rowley.

It’s then that things took a turn for the bizarre:

The Rowleys claimed the young thug held them at knifepoint, but they eventually got his trust by munching on Cheetos, sipping Dr. Pepper and watching the Robin Williams flick “Patch Adams.”

The couple managed to escape after Dimmick fell asleep, and police arrested him sometime later.

Okay, so the dude is wanted for murder. He was just in a high-speed pursuit with cops and crashed a stolen vehicle. He immediately barges into a home and takes these folks hostage and what does this super villain do?

Does he lay out his ransom demands? Does he plan a daring escape? Does he force the police to do something drastic?

No, no…he sits down and watches a shitty Robin Williams movie while eating junk food.

Eventually he lulls himself into a pleasant slumber that allows his hostages to escape.

Holy shitballs, this dude may be the worst criminal of all-time based on that alone, but it gets better.

There’s a reason this story is popping up two years after the fact and that’s because this dumbass is—*wait for it*—suing the folks he kidnapped.

Yep, he’s suing them for breaking an “oral contract” to hide him from the police:

In his hand-written court documents, Dimmick said: ‘I, the defendant, asked the Rowleys to hide me because I feared for my life. I offered the Rowleys an unspecified amount of money which they agreed upon, therefore forging a legally binding oral contract.’

He wants $235,000 in total, including $160,000 for his hospital bills after he was shot in the back by police and an additional $75,000 for emotional stress.

He may not be the smartest criminal in the world, but I’ll give him this, he’s got balls.

I mean look at this guy’s day: murder a dude, steal a car, run from police, crash the aforementioned stolen car and take peeps hostage during a home invasion.

Dude is all-kinds of guilty, but he’s got the balls to turn around and sue these peeps for going back on their word that they’d hide him.

Kidnapper's Kryptonite

Ballsy.

F’n stupid as all hell, but ballsy.

Now sure, sure he can’t really sue ‘em over the broken agreement because the “oral contract” would had have been agreed upon under duress so it’s null and void, but if he’s going to sue ‘em for anything it should be for poor taste.

I mean seriously.

“Patch Adams,” Cheetos and Dr. Pepper is like the worst combo ever.

How’s about you show the guy with the knife some respect and give him some Pringles, a Coke and maybe pop in “Die Hard” or “The Fugitive,” you know, something topical.

The dude may not be a master criminal or even a mediocre criminal, but he’s about to go off to the big house for the next decade or better, you can do better than Cheetos and Dr. Pepper.