Posted by: Jeremiah Graves | January 17, 2012

Jury Duty: Not All Cases are Created Equal

I had jury duty today.

It was my first-time and I’ll admit that going into the whole thing I was a little bit nervous about being in a position to determine someone’s innocence or guilt.

That’s a lot of pressure for a dude who still runs to the toy section the second he steps inside a Target.

As it turns out, all that worrying was more sizzle than steak once I actually got there.

If you were following me on Twitter this morning, you’re well-aware that it wasn’t exactly an exciting affair.

Here’s a quick recap (albeit in reverse order) via screenshot of my morning:

So there you have it. I showed up, got sent away, listened to some old ladies gab, spent a bunch of time reading my book, burnt out my iPod’s battery, giggled like an infant at the informational juror’s video and eventually got called in for empanelment (read: when they drag everyone into the courtroom to pick and choose jurors).

I was initially chosen for the jury, but eventually rejected by the defense because of a long-winded, rambling response to the final question on the juror’s questionnaire about whether or not I could be impartial.

My Faithful Readers are no doubt very well-aware that I tend to get wordy and meander off-topic a lot when I’m writing and that’s basically what happened whilst I was frantically filling out the questionnaire at Dunkin’ Donuts just minutes before fulfilling my civic duty.

Instead of my rambling costing me readers or page views, as it usually does here at BSBP, it got me booted from the jury and sent back to Boston on the first bus outta town.

In the end, it was an okay result. I wasn’t really jazzed about the trial anyway, because I knew from the get-go that it wasn’t going to be anything nearly as exciting as the forthcoming trial for New Zealand resident David Ilolahia.

Ilolahia, like most people, wants good service when he goes out for a meal. When he doesn’t get it, however, he doesn’t call the corporate office or rip the place apart on Yelp. Instead he looks to get immediate reparations for the wrongdoings and villainry perpetrated upon him.

Which is why he recently went on a teeny-tiny, itty-bitty rampage when staff at Wendy’s got his order wrong.

Here’s a (not so) quick rundown of the bizarre incident from the New Zealand Herald:

About 10.30am on Friday [Ilolahia] placed an order at the drivethrough for a Baconator with no bacon, a fish burger, and a Triple Combo.

However, when he picked up his order from the staff member, believed to be a trainee, it was wrong: “They gave me Big Classic, the Baconator was correct and the fish (burger) was chicken.”

When he went inside to complain to the manager, “she blew me off”, he said.

Ilolahia admitted he quickly lost his temper.

“They weren’t polite words. I called her a homosexual and the b-word and a f****** a*******. I had to shout at her, I was that angry.”

Staff at the Lynfield store locked themselves in the office to escape the burger-lover’s rampage, as he continued shouting and pushed over a screen and a till on the counter.

A police officer attempted to restrain the man and emptied a can of pepper spray into eyes, but it had little effect.

“I could still see – I think he was shocked.”

Ilolahia was arrested and a scuffle took place inside the store as the policeman tried to handcuff him, he said.

“He batoned me – he gave me a whack straight across the top of my head, then a second one.

The struggle lasted 10 minutes and spilled out to the restaurant carpark, where other officers eventually restrained and arrested him.

Now, call me crazy, but I can’t help but think this would be a drastically more entertaining case to be a juror for, right?!

I mean come on, how often do you encounter something this completely batshit crazy?! This is like a post-Vietnam flashback kind of freakout or something.

Ilolahia was eventually charged with threatening behavior, assaulting police, disorderly behavior and resisting police.

He would later refer to the incident as a “communication breakdown kind of thing” that he believes simply escalated out of control.

As it turns out, he’s also pretty pissed off about the fact that the cops jacked him in the head during the aforementioned “communication breakdown kind of thing.”

He said he had “stepped a bit wider than I should,” during the incident, but was still in shock at the police officer’s reaction.

“It’s really hard. You expect to be treated as a public person. I don’t know why I was treated like that.”

Normally, I’m all about taking a stand against police brutality and whatnot, but let’s be real here this dude was clearly a nutbag from the word go.

And I’m not talking about the fact that he flipped his freakin’ lid over a messed up fast food order or that he tried to unleash the dragons of hell upon everyone and everything in a Wendy’s or that it took the cops going absolutely commando and unloading a can of pepper spray and a couple of baton shots to the noggin to put him down.

No, no…all of that is merely strange and perhaps a bit “reactionary,” but it ain’t lock-‘em-up-in-a-straightjacket-and-throw-away-the-key crazy in the way that Ilolahia’s original order was…I mean come on now…a Baconator without bacon, a fish burger and a triple combo?!

A Baconator with no bacon? What’s the freakin’ point, right?! Just order a double-cheeseburger.

A fish burger? Seriously, what the hell is that?! I’m not even sure that’s a thing.

A triple combo?! I’ve got no doubt he just made this one up…threw some words together to see what they’d pull out of their asses.

I mean seriously, who the hell is this guy?!

The order screams serial killer or deranged rodeo clown right off the bat, doesn’t it?!

I can’t be alone on this one…can I?!

This is the type of order that should have the entire staff turning off lights, locking doors, calling the cops and hiding in the panic room in the ten seconds it takes the dude to drive from the order screen to the pickup window.

You get down, you stay quiet and you hope like hell he drives off without burning the place to the ground or driving his truck through the front doors.

Anyway, um, yeah…I think this is the type of trial I’d like to be a juror for in the future. It’s almost a shame I’ve got to wait at least three years to do it all again.




  1. Haha, I totally agree. Everyone knows the eleventh commandment: Thou Shalt Never Turn Thy Back Nor A Blind Eye To Any Offering Of BACON!!! His guilt is obvious, for it is a well known fact that “Crazies” often have a skewd sense of what makes a tasty treat. Had Hannibal Lecter or good ole Jeff Dahmer paid one visit to a breakfast buffet filled with a never ending pile-o-sanity-enducing-bacon then maybe they would have that one meat delivered straight from the angels of heaven not just to fill our bellys but also fill our hearts with love and our minds with peace.
    The BACONATOR was never meant for a CRAZED BACON-HATER. Verdict: GUILTY AS CHARGED.


    • You gotta wonder if they’d even waste their time with a trial on something like this, right?!

      I mean, I can’t imagine any defense lawyer in the world who would be foolish enough to take this guy’s case.

      No bacon. No lawyer. Period.


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