#librarylife

If you stalk me on the Tweeterfaces (as y’all should) you’ve likely already read a bit about this interaction from Friday.

If you don’t stalk me, here’s the scene: We’re nearing finals and everyone is, predictably, a little on edge. I’m at the circulation desk when Lana Laptop comes stomping up from whichever corner of the library she’d been lurking in for most of the morning…she does not look happy.

Lana Laptop: “Excuse me.”
Cap’n Charisma: “Hi…what can I do for you?”
Lana Laptop: “My laptop just crashed.”
Cap’n Charisma: “Okay…”

Lana stares at me as if the four words she just uttered should have been more than enough to convey what was expected of me in this situation.

Lana Laptop: “…can you fix it?”
Cap’n Charisma: “I’m sorry, but no. I’m not a computer guru.”
Lana Laptop: “…but I just lost my final paper.”
Cap’n Charisma: “I’m very sorry, but there’s nothing I can do for you.”
Lana Laptop: “…it’s a 25-page paper. I was almost done.”
Cap’n Charisma: “Again, I’m very sorry, but I can’t do anything to help you.”
Lana Laptop: “…it’s due in, like, three days. There’s no way I can re-write it in three days.”

Apparently, Lana thinks that if she keeps giving me more and more information about the paper, it’ll magically enhance my ability to fix her computer. It’s like I’m sort of magical warlock who gains his powers from knowledge.

Cap’n Charisma: “Did you have it backed up somewhere else like a flash drive or something?”
Lana Laptop: “No I didn’t, because my computer doesn’t ever crash. ”
Cap’n Charisma: “Oh, that’s really unfortunate. Maybe you can take it to some computer people, like the Geek Squad or someth…”
Lana Laptop: “NO! My computer doesn’t ever crash. This is the first time it has ever crashed and it is the first time I’ve been in this library.”

At this point, I can sense the mood shifting.

Lana is going from panic-mode to blame-mode in a pretty big hurry. I’m not really sure how she’s going to put this on the library’s shoulders or my shoulders when it’s pretty clearly her own damn fault for not backing up her paper, but at the same time, it’s the end of the semester and even the most sane, down-to-earth people turn into batshit crazy humanoids this time of year.

In this situation, I’ve learned that the best thing I can do is to try and get them moving along before they go into a full-on meltdown at the desk and cause a big ole scene.

Cap’n Charisma: “Okay, but your computer did crash…so I think you should check in with someone who is more computer savvy than I am.”
Lana Laptop: “I was told this was a good place to study, but you have too many signals in the dome. ”
Cap’n Charisma: “…huh?!”
Lana Laptop: “Yeah, I took a class on this once. There are too many signals bouncing around and that’s why no one has good cellphone reception in there and why the wifi can be so wishy-washy. Now it crashed my computer. ”
Cap’n Charisma: “Ma’am…I don’t think the library crashed your computer.”
Lana Laptop: “…and then you refuse to help me. I know we’re all competing here, but don’t you have any common decency.”

This is when it clicked that she thinks I’m a student. Awesome. Not only is she in the midst of a conspiracy theory about the dome sabotaging people’s final papers, but apparently she thinks that I’m a student who is happy to see her fail. You know, because clearly I’m sort of academic supervillain.

Cap’n Charisma: “Ma’am…I’m not competing with you for anything. I’m not a student here. I just work here. ”
Lana Laptop: “THEN WHY ARE YOU REFUSING TO HELP ME?!?!”

This is when Lana Laptop got all teary-eyed and crazy-faced.

Cap’n Charisma: “Again…I’m not refusing to help you. There is literally nothing I can do to help you. I know how to turn a computer off and on, login to Facebook and use Paint.”
Lana Laptop: “…you’re so full of shit. Just help me! Get my paper back!”
Cap’n Charisma: “Seriously, I can’t do anything for you. I’m sorry.”

That was pretty much the end of it. Lana slammed her laptop shut and stormed off mumbling obscenities under her breath and essentially blaming me for all things wrong with her computer.

…good times.