Is there anything more awkward than an outburst in a public setting, that doesn’t receive the response the outburster had intended?
Think about it. Like when you’re at a movie and some fratboy asshole in the back yells out something he thinks is hilarious and will impress the sorostitute two rows in front of him, however, instead of laughter he’s met with a chorus of “shut the hell up” from all angles.
Or the drunk—and seemingly always—shirtless guy at a baseball game who stands in front of the crowd waving frantically trying to start some asinine chant about coffee tables and Chia pets; only to be rained down upon in a shower of popcorn containers and hotdog wrappers.
Well that same type of thing happened tonight—not to your favorite narrator mind you—but to some unsuspecting Masshole who was trying to mock me. Let me set the scene for you, Faithful Reader.
There I was minding my own business in the checkout line at the supermarket, waiting to purchase some items for my overnight shift. I pulled out my two reusable grocery bags and some dude, who had to be roughly 17, yelled out from the behind me—in a voice loud enough for both of his buddies and everyone else in a ten-foot radius to hear—“Hey that dude’s gotta pink bag!! Hahahahaha. What a pussy.”
Then—as he was standing their pointing and his friends and all of the other people around had stopped to look at my pink bag—he waited, in that way that people do when it’s obvious that they’re expecting laughter.
Only no one laughed.
Instead the cashier replied, “It’s a breast cancer bag. Who the hell laughs at a breast cancer bag?”
The man in front of me said, “A stupid fuckin’ kid that’s who.”
One of the kid’s buddies said, “You’re such a fuckin’ idiot, Man. Everything is pink nowadays.”
The lady behind me in line said, “Do you think breast cancer is funny?”
I didn’t even have to reply. Before I could even say anything everyone around me had rallied to show this douche-bag what an idiot he was. I was gloriously amused as he put his head down and scampered off down the soda aisle feeling like a complete pariah.
Everyone around me apologized and I thanked them for basically just reeking of awesomeness. The best part is that the lady behind me grabbed one of the pink breast cancer bags off the hanger and said, “I hope that little shithead says something to me about this bag on the way out, I’ll rip his nuts off!”
As anyone would do in that horrendously awkward situation I gave her a laugh and disappeared away into the night with my pink bag packed to the brim with energy drinks and beef jerky thinking to myself…man, people are so silly out east!
But I like it…