Man Candles: Candles for Men Who Dig Manly Things and are Men

Men of the world rejoice!! At long last our national nightmare is over.

No longer must we men burn through candles that reek of femininity.

No longer must we men inhale the aroma of melting wax that doesn’t immediately remind us of our Y-chromosomes.

No longer must we men suffer through the injustice of olfactory oppression by chick candles.

That’s right, My Faithful Readers, it has finally happened.

The crazy cats at the Yankee Candle Company have created the line of manly-scented candles that no one asked for.

The press release describes the new, limited edition “Man Candles Collection” as:

…a line of scents inspired by and created uniquely for men. With four new down-to-earth fragrances, now all rooms in the home can have an attractive scent, even the basement, garage, man cave or an entire bachelor pad.

A line of scents inspired by and created uniquely for men, huh?!

Well I’m sure they didn’t adhere strictly to a bunch of outdated gender roles and stereotypes when cooking these buggers up, right?!

Nah…there’s no way they’d do something that asinine in 2012. We’ve come too far as a society. We’re too enlightened. No way that can happen nowadays.

So let’s take a peek at the four scents:

First Down™ — This combination of orange, patchouli, vetiver and leather is as exciting as game day.

Riding Mower™ — Hot sun. Cool breeze. And the intensely summery scent of freshly cut grass.

2 x 4™ — The warm, unmistakable scent of freshly planed wood and sawdust evokes a sense of confidence and quality.

Man Town™ — Escape to the man cave with this masculine blend of spices, woods and musk.

Ohferfuckssake.

Did they determine they couldn’t quite put the right scents together to create “Beer Fart™” or “Week-Old Pizza™” or “Too Much Hair Gel and Axe Bodyspray™”…because each of those seems more like a legit scent inspired by men than these four incredibly generic, ridiculously stereotypical “guy things.”

We’re men, so we get the scent of a football, grass, and sawdust in First Down, Riding Mower, and 2 x 4, respectively.

Then there’s Man Town which sounds like the nickname I’d expect Tom Jones to give to the bedroom on his yacht.

Based on the description is would seem that it probably smells sorta like his bedroom too.

If you’re interested—and I’m hoping you’re not—you can buy the candles online at the official Yankee Candle store or at all fine Yankee Candle retailers nationwide.

Personally, I don’t think this is going to generate a whole lot of new business, because I don’t know many single dudes—that’s who I’m assuming they’re targeting with this—who go out and buy candles anyway. They generally let their aforementioned basement, garage, man cave or an entire bachelor pad reek of unwashed socks and spoiled milk.

I don’t have any official numbers, but I’m going to go ahead and just toss out 94% as the percentage of candles in the world that are purchased by women.

I’ll say that roughly 5% are purchased by dudes who are panicking trying to find something for a co-worker/grandmother/aunt/mother/sister/cousin/girlfriend/wife at the last minute.

The final one percent is purchased by dudes who are actually interested in buying scented candles and that one percent is probably pretty locked into some existing scent like Mulberry or French Vanilla or Spring Rain.

So unfortunately, no, I won’t be rushing out to buy “old football,” “yard work,” “old saw mill,” or “gay night club” candles for my house anytime soon.

Swing and a miss, Yankee Candle.

Swing and a miss.