My Faithful Readers, I’ve come down with a bad case of baby fever.
Now I realize that I’ve been very adamant over the years that I’m not ready for kids in any sense of the word and that the mere thought of having a daughter flat-out scares the piss out of me, but I don’t care.
It’s baby time.
I don’t just want a kid, I need a kid and I needed it yesterday!
Don’t get me wrong, I realize I’m not mature enough for kids. I realize I don’t make enough money for kids. I realize that I am not at a place in life where I’m legitimately ready for kids in any way, shape, or form.
That having been said, I want kids. I want, like, a dozen kids and I want ‘em right now so that I can “Bat Dad” their faces off.
What’s that? You don’t know what “Bat Dadding” is? Have you been living under a rock or something?
“Bat Dadding” is changing the entire parenting game and changing it forever.
Seriously, I can’t believe you haven’t heard of it.
Well by golly, let me show you what it’s all about so you can get in on the action:
Tell me that doesn’t look awesome. Try it. Try to tell me that doesn’t look awesome.
You can’t do it can you?
No. No you cannot!
Not only is this the coolest thing to happen to parenting in years, but it’s something that I’m totally equipped and ready to rock. I’ve already got a Batman costume and cowl, now I just need some kids.
Unfortunately, I’m finding out that it’s not super easy to acquire children on a whim.
I’ve been scouring Craigslist all afternoon, but I can’t find a single worthwhile listing anywhere. The entire “baby + kid” listing under the “For Sale” section proved to be highly misleading.
I went by the daycare and, apparently, they only send the kids home with their “real” parents. Honestly, I thought it was like adopting a cat, you just walk in and pick one out. It was made abundantly clear by local law enforcement officials that this is not the case.
I’ve even gone door-to-door asking all of my neighbors if they’ve got any kids that I can have and all I’ve gotten is a bunch of doors slammed in my face and a pile of forms from the city that I need to fill out if I want to go within 100 yards of a park or playground.
Needless to say, none of that crap is getting me any closer to “Bat Dadding” like a total boss.
So if you’ve got any leads, be sure to hook me up so I can get in on this “Bat Dad” craze ASAP.