The Pawshank Redemption

You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.

A cat, on the other hand, is a whole different ballgame.

Or at least that’s the vibe I’m getting thanks to the release of information about a thwarted New Years’ Eve jailbreak in Brazil.

Prison guards at the Judge Luiz de Oliveira Souza prison, in the city of Arapiraca, reported found a black and white cat unwittingly (or was he?) attempting to smuggle in a kit of prison break supplies.

Here’s the info from CNN.com:

“The cat had a cell phone, drills, assorted batteries and two saws taped to its body when it was spotted by guards on December 31 as it was about to enter the prison…”

“The prison’s more than 250 inmates were all considered suspects as officials said they did not immediately know who the cat was supposed to be aiding.”

I’m going to go ahead and declare that this would have been—beyond a shadow of a doubt—the single cutest prison break in the history of prison breaks.

The entire thing sounds like the plot of an animated Disney movie where Will Smith would be doing the voice of the cat and Kevin James would be the voice of one of the bumbling prison guards who almost let it happen.

Honestly, part of me wishes the entire thing had gone down successfully just so this cat could get his just desserts. There’s no way the prisoner behind this scheme didn’t offer this cat everything his tiny brain could want, right?

This cat should have had years’ worth of Temptations treats and laser pointers and mountains of catnip in his future.

Instead, the guards pop him on his way in the door and he gets shuttled off to animal control where they’ve undoubtedly been grilling him to no end, based on this ridiculous quote from O Estado de S. Paulo the daily newspaper of São Paulo, Brazil:

“It’s hard to know who is responsible for the action, since the cat does not talk,” the management of the prison, through the press office.

Good thing the folks managing the prison made a point to let everyone know the cat doesn’t talk. I mean, if they hadn’t, surely people who have suspected it was an inside job.

I mean, how else do you explain keeping a suspect in custody for more than a week without getting any answers out of him? You can’t. You simply cannot.

Real talk, I’m suddenly very wary of Honey.

I feel like her services could be bought with the promise of a can of tuna. Not even good tuna, like, “Chicken of the Sea” or something.

Yeah, the way she’s looking at me right now makes me think she’s already made a deal with someone.

If I don’t post for another couple of days, go ahead and assume that Honey’s loyalties have been been purchased and I’m chained to a cement block at the bottom of the Charles River whilst Honey and her new-found friends are playing my Playstation3 and eating all of my Ben and Jerry’s.