Posted by: Jeremiah Graves | September 4, 2012

Chuck Norris Wants to Roundhouse-Kick Socialism in the Face

I was totally into the whole Chuck Norris phenomenon of the mid-2000s.

In high school…I watched countless hours of “Walker, Texas Ranger” re-runs with The Boys and I used a Total Gym obsessively for a period of roughly six months.

In college…I recited Chuck Norris facts left and right and I changed the name of “shotgun” to “roundhouse kick” when vying for the passenger seat of my car.

After college…I referenced him on this very blog plenty-o-times and I even made anti-laptop theft signage at work prominently featuring his bearded mug.

All that having been said, I still can’t help but think that Chuck Norris is a pretty weird dude.

He doesn’t appear to have aged a day since the mid-80s and any interviews with him in real life never matchup with the alpha-Chuck Norris that exists in my head.

And then he’ll go ahead and create a weird public service announcement that sure as hell seems like a parody from Saturday Night Live or The Daily Show, but is actually all too real.

In case you’re curious, the PSA is rallying Christians to vote in an attempt to thwart socialism (or Obama…or extinction…or something):

Here’s a blurb from the video’s description on YouTube:

Chuck Norris Fact No. 39: “Chuck Norris stared evil in the eye and it went into hiding.”

America’s favorite action star is doing just that this election — calling on evangelical Christians across the nation to join him in crushing the creep of socialism under President Obama.

Listen, I don’t know diddly-squat about politics.

Honestly, I think “socialism” just sounds like the proper team for being a very popular, social-butterfly kinda person. You know, you’re social…thus you’re a socialist.

Makes perfect sense to me.

I think I’m hella-social. Sign me up for socialism. That shit seems right up my alley.

I mean, at the very least, it certainly sounds way better than “awkward nerdism,” right?!

Unfortunately, a little Googling revealed that I’m apparently way the heck off on what socialism is all about. So that’s a bummer. There shall be no cool political party for social media moguls like myself.

Naturally, since I know nothing about politics, I’m coming to you, My Faithful Readers for answers.

In the comment section—in 100 words or less—answer the following:

a) Why in the blue-hell are Chuck Norris and his robotic wife the two most relevant spokespeeps to lead the charge against socialism? Seriously, I thought Norris’ fanbase consisted of people like me who enjoyed reciting made-up facts, not apathetic Christian voters.

b) Why is Obama at the center of the “socialism scare?” My in-depth political research (read: Wikipedia) indicates that Obama is a democrat and not a socialist. I think we all know that Wikipedia is never incorrect.

c) Why hasn’t Chuck Norris aged since the mid-80s? I’m seriously freaked out by this. I must find the answer, but I fear it involves eating grizzly bear fetuses under the full moon.

Remember 100 words or less.

…and go.


  1. a) Like Chuck, all Americans who have spoken at length with immigrants from former “Soviet” Socialist/communist countries, can hear the pain in their voices, and see the concern in their eyes, when you ask them if…..”America is becoming more and more like the socialist country they escaped, to come to America”.

    b) Explore Obama’s books, and listen closely to what he said. Study those he has and does associate with. Were his mother, father and grandparents socialist? Stick to facts only. Unfortunately, Wikipedia is not always correct.

    c) Chuck must “treat his body as a temple” and perhaps have great genes!


  2. I am not very social, but Obama, while being quite social, I am certain, pisses socialists off as much as he does Chuck, maybe even more.


  3. a) Celebrities sell.
    b) I think this guy articulates it very well: “Americans are politically aware of only two political/economic dimensions: Republican or Democrat; Conservative or Liberal; Right or Left; Capitalist or Socialist; Big Government or Small Government; Free-Market or Communist…We are politically poorer for it and, hence, less respectful of nuanced but significant differences in perspective, less respectful of other alternatives to the current political structure….” from:
    c) Toupee, eye lift.


  4. A) Chuck Norris is, in reality, a douchbag.
    B) He is a conservative, therefore antiObama, douchbag.
    C) He is an extremely lucky, conservative douchbag.


  5. For the life of me, I don’t understand why people go gaga over Chuck Norris anyway. His acting leaves a bit to be desired, and that “signature” roundhouse kick? C’mon, a bad guy should be able to see it coming a MILE away since it takes so damn long to do and he telegraphs it so much you know it’s coming. And his voice! He’s got this wimpy little girly voice. The man has always irritated me and I always felt he was miscast as an action star. He has never left me with the impression that he’s a Tough Guy Who Can Kick Ass When the Chips Are Down.

    I CAN, however, believe him to be a close-minded evangelical Christian conservative. That fits his image pretty well, I would say. So no wonder the Tea Party denizens are like, “C’mon, Chuck! Come sit next to me! Say nice things about our party on camera, and I’ll give you a blowjob!”

    Whoops. Got a tad bit negative with that, didn’t I? Sigh. It’s this damn election. It gets me worked up cuz I think the right has devolved into religious homo-erotic, er, I mean homo-phobic and anti-woman lunacy. It’s a game of one-ups-man-ship, and not about serving the citizens of this country anymore.

    If it comes down to which party has the coolest celeb stumping for it, this country is toast. Please pass the butter.


    • I guess that all depends on who the cooler celebrity is, right?! At this point, I’d say the Democrats have the lead in that regard…

      Natalie Portman > Clint Eastwood > Chuck Norris


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