Posted by: Jeremiah Graves | August 31, 2012

Drunk Santa Punches Pizza Delivery Dude in the Face

I worked for a pizza place in high school.

I needed a job during the school year and it meant that I never had to pay for supper. It was a win-win.

There were only a couple of real negative aspects to working in a pizza joint.

The first was that you eternally smelled like pizza dough and not in a good “mmmmmm pizza dough” kind of way, but in an “oh my god, you reek of decaying, yeasty death” kind of way.

The second was that lots of people are assholes to people who work at pizza places.

You see, people really love pizza. They are very specific about it and they do not like to have it trifled with in any way.

I’ve seen outbursts because someone forgot a topping, put on too much of a topping, someone didn’t put on enough of a topping, the crust was too doughy, the crust was too crunchy, and so on and so on.

Don’t get me wrong, I get it. I really, really do. When I order from a pizza place, I want exactly what I ordered and I want it fast.

If you screw up my order, I’m probably gonna be pretty pissy, but I like to think I’d keep myself in check, unlike Robert Wheeler (aka: Drunk Santa) of Vero Beach, Florida, who totally lost his shit over a pizza delivery mistake.

Here’s the recap from

The pizza deliverer said that when he lowered his window, Wheeler asked him who he spoke with on the phone before punching him in the face.

The pizza deliverer said Wheeler punched him “because he forgot the garlic knots.”

Meanwhile, the pizza deliverer said Wheeler instructed him to “give that to the person working on the phone back at the restaurant.”

Wheeler, who has the word “fat” tattooed on his left arm and “boy” on his right, told investigators he hit the pizza delivery person in the face.

Wowza! I think it’s safe to say that Drunk Santa was not messin’ around, granted anyone with “fat boy” tatt’d all up on themselves is rarely messin’ around, no matter what the context.

As much as I wanted to side with the pizza guy here, because of my time in the trenches, I just can’t bring myself to do it.

You can’t be leaving a dude’s garlic knots back at the pizza shop. How the hell is Drunk Santa going to enjoy his meal without garlic knots? He can’t do it. There’s simply no way.

Look at that face! Drunk Santa doesn’t just want those garlic knots, Drunk Santa abso-f’n-lutely NEEDS those garlic knots.

This pizza dude is basically committing a terrorist act. You know this is the same as waterboarding to ole Robert Wheeler.

Plus, Drunk Santa even told him to pass the punch on down the line to the dude who screwed up on the phone. It’s like he didn’t actually get punched at all. He’s just temporarily holding the punch. What a whiner.

Drunk Santa is clearly in the right on this one. No doubts about it.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a redonkulous hankerin’ for some garlic knots and I intended to remedy that post-haste.



  1. the only thing that would make this better would be the pizza driver whipping out a glock and wasting his ass


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