Posted by: Jeremiah Graves | August 27, 2012

What’s My Age Again?!

I have become a bitter old man who lets himself run wild with pathetic attempts at vigilantism and it’s all because my neighbors have a dog.

To be more accurate, my neighbors have a beautiful dog.

It’s gigantic and floppy and cute and downright adorable in every way that a gigantic animal living in a tiny apartment can be, except for one teeny-tiny thing.

It poops. It poops a whole big lot.

Seriously, this dog is dropping bombs all over the place.

In fact, I’ve previously blogged about an encounter with one of this dog’s fecal follies.

Unfortunately, I’m incredibly Midwestern so every time I see the dog owners, I just make awkward polite chit-chat and move along instead of screaming “LISTEN UP, JERKFACES, YOU CAN’T LEAVE HEAPING MOUNDS OF DOG TURDS EVERYWHERE!!!” as I’d prefer to do.

Instead, I randomly decided today—while in the midst of a bout of incredible productivity at work—to look up the Cambridge municipal code for dog waste removal.

Naturally, I learned that they’re supposed to pick up those steaming piles of poo and dispose of them.

As such, I did what any cranky 94-year-old man would do, I wrote a poorly-worded, responsibility-deflecting, passive-aggressive letter about dog poop with a poorly-veiled threat about calling the “authorities” at the end.

(Click to Big-ify)

Thankfully, Grace stopped me from posting it on their door.

It took her all of two seconds to let me know that it was a poor idea and I couldn’t disagree. I mean, seriously, read that letter again.

What the hell was I even thinking?! I sound like an entire fleet of douche canoes.

What have I become?!

This feels like that moment when every quasi-mad, yet well-intentioned scientist injects himself with the magic serum and unwittingly turns himself into a super-villain.

Only—you know—way the hell lamer.



  1. Hahaha! Thank you, Grace. We’ve all suspected Jeremiah was a secret douche-canoe, thanks for keeping him honest.


  2. I disagree entirely. It was well-worded, non-confrontational, and got to the point. I mean, it would be VERY clear who it was coming from, but sometimes, you need to do something. I mean, you know, short of picking up the dog’s shit and heaving it at that.


    • Huzzah!! TPN wins Tuesday (or Monday or Thursday…whatever day it is where you are))!!!


    • I agree with TPN. The letter gets the point across without being too douchey (I especially like how you compliment their dog), and shows that you don’t want to report them… they just need to get their asses in gear and be responsible. It doesn’t seem like they’ll do anything about it unless someone says something, and a letter – to me, at least – seems much less confrontational than knocking on their door and saying it.


      • #ImWithTPN


  3. You could do what my neighbors did to my dad when they were annoyed that he didn’t take good care of our lawn: let air out of our car’s tires. So really, the logical next step is to graffiti a drawing of a dog turd on their front door. Logical!


    • I don’t think I’m quite ready to make the leap to vandalism, but I appreciate the suggestion.


  4. if you can’t remember very clearly we faced a similiar issue when we first moved into the house. I got a shovel and moved the steaming pile of poop into their car. the problem never happened again. maybe you put in in front of their door or something to remind them it needs to be thrown away.


    • It’s not nearly as easy here, their “door” is an outside door that half of another building exits through. I hardly think it’s fair to have the other neighbors stepping in revenge-poops that they’re not responsible for in any way.


  5. You should pick up their dogs poop and place it on their door step…they won’t know who did it and it sends a…hey we are sick of seeing your dog’s crap everywhere kind of…sign.


  6. I agree with the others about the note. It’s not too confrontational and worded just fine. However, it would be better to politely ask in person. Then maybe put plastic doggy doodie bags in strategic spots so they hopefully actually USE them. Or ask your landlord to put some out–maybe a poop station or something. Those are actually very handy to have.


    • I rarely actually see them, that’s the sneaky part. I generally hear them letting the dog out when I’m in bed and just dozing off. Otherwise, they’re like ninjas.


  7. I can understand where Grace was coming from, but you might want to reconsider posting that letter on your neighbor’s door. As a dog owner, I know it takes all of 2 seconds to pick up your dog’s “stuff”. Dog owners that do not pick up after their dogs is a huge pet peeve of mine! It is not only a visual and olfactory nuisance, but dogs can develop a variety of diseases through contact with other dogs’ fecal matter.
    Thanks for letting me vent! 😉


    • If this blog is meant for anything, it’s venting! I may have to go ahead and tack that sign up anyway…maybe I just won’t tell Grace.


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