Time for a Career Change

I think I’m ready for a change in my life, professionally-speaking.

To be more specific, I think I’ve got a bright future ahead of me…as a car thief.

Yes, a car thief.

I realize it doesn’t seem like it’d be up my alley. What with me not being a criminal or knowing anything about cars beyond how to drive them and/or fill them with gas.

The reason I’m switching professions is because it seems that the biggest requirement to be a successful car thief is to maintain ample knowledge of multiple baseball teams.

If you don’t, you’re busted.

At least, that was the case for Wisconsin teenager Kaeden Dumholt.

Here’s some tidbits from The Chippewa Herald:

On Aug. 8, at about 11 a.m. Chippewa Falls Police received information that a vehicle was traveling at a high rate of speed and weaving through traffic along Highway 124 and headed into Chippewa Falls.

The vehicle, a 1991 black Ford Mustang, pulled into the Kwik Trip on Woodward Ave. Officers Jason Jacobson and Kory Boos stopped to question the young male driver, since the car was registered to a woman in Lake Elmo, Minn.

Jacobson noticed right away that the young man looked nervous to see the squad car. He identified himself as an 18-year-old from of Rice Lake, providing officers with what turned out to be a false name. He denied having sped or driven recklessly, and said the car belongs to his girlfriend’s aunt, “or something.”

Noticing that the man was wearing a Twins shirt but had an Indian’s key lanyard, Jacobson questioned him about both sports teams. Despite claiming to follow both teams, he did not appear to know much about the Indians.

Seriously, that’s how they busted this dude…”he did not appear to know much about the Indians.”

What?!

For realizes?!

Who can’t make a couple minutes of small-talk about the Indians?

Honestly, you could bemoan the sad state of Grady Sizemore’s career for ten minutes alone!

Toss in some chatter about Justin Masterson regressing this year and some apprehension about whether or not Carlos Santana’s knees will hold up catching 80-plus games a year and you’re all set.

You don’t even have to dive into the bullpen or how the Travis Hafner contract has been an albatross. Seriously, this dude dropped the ball something fierce.

Now perhaps I’m not taking the right lesson from this story, there is a slim-chance that’s what’s happening here; but seriously, I think this is basically an invite for me to go all grand theft auto on the world. I’ve basically been training for this job for years now.

Plus, now that this jerk got busted, there’s an opening for a Twins fan car thief! It’s perfect.

I’ll wear my Twins gear like a boss and then I’ll chat your ear off about every other team in the league for twenty minutes, not a problem, bring it on. I’m built for this job.

…you know, unless the car I’ve stolen has an NBA or NFL keychain, in which case I’m totally screwed.