Posted by: Jeremiah Graves | July 20, 2012

Dude Gets DUI on Wal-Mart Scooter

When you’re from a small town, a Wal-Mart is one of the best places to entertain yourself.

They’re open 24/7. They’re stock-piled with enough things to keep your attention for hours. The staff are generally not really keen on confronting anyone unless they do something way over the line.

Wal-Marts are kind of a perfect haven for countering small town boredom.

I remember going into Wal-Marts back in the day to play touch football, bust out some of the Nerf guns and shoot around, play extensive games of hide and seek, take the bikes and Razor scooters for test drives around the store, and one time my friends and I even had an elaborate jousting contest using little kids’ bikes and Star Wars light sabers.

In retrospect, I guess that was pretty small potatoes compared to this Louisiana dude who got smashed out of his gourd and decided to take one of those in-house Rascal Scooters for a joyride.

Here is the story from Houma Today:

A 24-year-old man is accused of driving a stolen shopping scooter while drunk along an east-Houma highway, police say.

Thomas J. Phillip’s breath tested at more than double the amount considered legal proof of intoxication under Louisiana law when he was pulled over Sunday, according to Houma Police.

Police said they received a call from someone at the store and found Phillip driving the scooter on South Van Avenue and towing a friend behind him in a wheelchair. Phillip told officers he decided to take the scooter from the Grand Caillou Road Wal-Mart and go for a joyride.

I’ll give him mad props for this power move. I mean how many people just waltz into Wal-Mart and walk right out with one of their scooters?! None, that’s how many. None.

Seriously, I wanted to ride one of those damn things every time I went into a Wal-Mart, but I never had the guts to just hop on and take it for a quick trip through the produce section.

That’s not an issue for ole Thomas Phillip. No, this dude just wanders right on in there, plops down on a scooter, and even has his buddy hop in one of those courtesy wheelchairs to hitch on the back for a ride.

Straight-up ballsy move right there.

Stupid as all hell, no doubt, especially when he decided to take it out on the open highway like a complete putz, but ballsy nonetheless.

I’m actually disappointed in myself for being jealous of this idiot, but I’ll be damned if he didn’t just trump all of my Wal-Mart adventures in one fell swoop.

You win this round, drunken scooter guy!


  1. Wow..this guy looks a lot older than 24! I mean no disrespect to Southerners, but stories like this make me reconsider my thoughts of moving out of my high-rent apartment in Bay Area, California and moving to a more affordable part of the country!


    • Yeah, I think “Louisiana 24” is, like, “California 44.”


  2. What’s even funnier is that those scooters go all of about 2 feet an hour. My husband has used one off an on since he lost his leg. His stump swells in the heat sometimes and it hurts to walk with his prosthetic. So he rides in one of those and the damn things are incredibly slow AND they rarely have much of a charge. So I’m surprised the dude made it to the road, lol!


    • I guess he had the (drunken) eye of the tiger or something…or the folks at Walmart had absolutely zero interest in stopping him.


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