Posted by: Jeremiah Graves | May 12, 2012

To Apply or Not to Apply, That is the Question

I’ve got a good job that—for the most part—I enjoy and for which I’m well-suited.

It also provides me with a nearly limitless supply of blog fodder and you can’t find that in every position.

That having been said, yesterday afternoon I learned about another job that is going to be available in the near future and it seems like a perfect fit for me.

You see, I’ve already been doing a lot of the work that this other position would entail and it is something that I think I’ve got the skills to handle like a total champ.

I learned about the position yesterday afternoon thanks to the fine folks over at the Huffington Post:

…a study from Washington University in St. Louis is recruiting participants to eat only fast food for three months. They’ll be paid $3,500 for their troubles, and enrolled in a weight loss program when the study finishes.

The researchers are hoping to study obesity, and why some overweight people develop diabetes and other diet cardiovascular risk-factors, while other people don’t. By eating only fast food, the researchers are able to easily monitor the participant’s food intake. Participants can choose from McDonald’s, Burger King, Taco Bell, KFC and Pizza Hut.

Greatest. Job. Ever.

Let me get this straight, I get to eat fast food every day for three months. In return, I’m going to make $3,500. When it’s all said and done, they’re going to hook me up with a weight loss program to drop all the extra baggage I pickup during the study.

Where the hell do I sign up?!

I’ve been eating fast food like an animal for years, and now it turns out that could all be considered “relevant work experience” on my resume; as opposed to before when it was simply considered to be the basis for a “stupid and reckless” lifestyle.

I’m built for this job!

Admittedly, this does pay slightly less than what I’m making in my current position, but I fail to see any reason why I can’t double this up, work both jobs, and earn some bookoo bucks, right?!

It’s not like shoveling a dozen Doritos Locos Tacos in my face is going to have an impact on my ability to deal with difficult library patrons.

And it’s not like devouring a KFC Double Down is going to negatively influence the way I handle complicated technology questions.

Obviously, I’d have to break my long-running Burger King embargo and my recently re-started McDonald’s embargo (version 2.0 – going on three months now!)…but it’s totally worth it. I mean come on, is there an easier way to make cash than this?!

I think not.

Unfortunately, there is a catch.

I don’t fit all of the stringent criteria for the study:

Participants must be between 18 and 65 years old, a non-smoker, and non-diabetic. Lastly, they must be at least 30 pounds overweight.

Between 18 and 65? Done.

Non-Smoker? Check.

Non-Diabetic? You betcha.

30 Pounds Overweight? Not so much.

Sadly, I don’t think there’s any way that I can pack on 30 extra pounds in time for this study. Don’t get me wrong, I can put away cheeseburgers with the best of ‘em, but there just ain’t no way I can bulk up that much.

I could apply anyway, but I don’t know if I could take the pain of getting rejected for a job that involves nothing but eating fast food.

It’s a damn shame, this was  clearly my dream job.



  1. Dont do it!!! it may be bad for your heart to do this for that amount of time. also, Will you be required to buy some products, that will be deducted from you $3500????


  2. dude unless they cover all food costs, and health cost.

    Also McDonald’s, Burger King, Taco Bell, KFC and Pizza Hut. I would get really sick of just those 3 times a day for 90 days.


  3. Man, I thought you’d be saying you were applying for the job as Marion Barry’s comm director.


    • An equally tempting offering, but I see there’s already some stiff competition for that role.


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