Posted by: Jeremiah Graves | March 30, 2012

Confessions: I’m Going to Win the Lottery

I am going to win the lottery tonight.

That’s right, folks. The record-setting jackpot that’s hovering well above half a billion dollars is going to be all mine when they call those numbers this evening.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am well-aware that I’m not alone on this one and I realize that pretty much the entire world is saying the same thing.

I also know that the odds—and basic logic—are against me, but I don’t care.

It’s definitely my time to win.

I’ve been playing the lottery since I turned 18 and started buying Powerball tickets twice a week in college.

I figure it’s been over ten years, so I’m totally due for a win. Clearly this is the perfect time and place for it to all come together.

Given that I’m about to embark on a ten-day vacation, the timing couldn’t be better.

I’ll be able to upgrade to first-class on the flight for a little extra leg room.

I’ll be able to take my family and friends out for lavish celebrations of my newly-found wealth.

I’ll have no problem coughing up the cash for a cup of nacho cheese at Taco John’s for my Potato Oles.

The internet has offered up some helpful dos and don’ts for what to do when I win, which is swell of the internet.

Luckily, I’ve been in the planning stages for awhile now. A couple years back I took a look at what I’d do if I had a million dollars and much of that still remains the same, albeit with about 500 times as much cash.

I’d still pay off my debts right away. I’d still take Grace to Paris. I’d still let my parents retire. I’d still tuck a ton of cash away where I can’t touch it to avoid becoming one of those sad folks who end up in the poor house after winning the lottery and burning through the money like a complete jackass.

I think I’d quit my job.

Not that I’d be all chomping at the bit to do so or anything. I mean I could just stick around and donate enough money to build a new gigantic library on campus. At that point, we’d need a fraction of the staff and I feel like if you pay for the library you get some say in who stays and who goes. Right?

That’d be one way to deal with all of my work-related stress. Another would be to just up and quit (with the appropriate two weeks’ notice of course).

I think I’d spend a lot of time just chillin’ and traveling. I’d play a lot more slow pitch softball and spend my summer watching baseball games at all of the big league parks. I’d continue to spoil Honey with toys she’ll never play with.

I’d probably ask Grace to quit her job too.

This would serve two purposes. First, it would keep me from feeling lazy as the lone member of the household without a job. Second, it would be a good chance for her to try her hand at opening the café/bookstore/fashion boutique she’s been mentally building in her head for years.

More than anything, I think I’d finally be able to try writing as a full-time thing without having to do something I’m less passionate about to pay the bills.

I’m sure it would result in my writing an era-defining novel…or perhaps in more blog posts about hot chicks, kittens, gross food, and dumb criminals.

Either way, I’m pretty stoked about all the money coming my way.

If you don’t hear from me for the next couple of days, it’s either because I’m on vacation in the technologically barren wasteland that is northwest Iowa or I’m filthy, stinking rich and diving into a pool full of gold coins like Scrooge McDuck.




  1. I’d keep 10%; pay my debts, invest, keep working. Give 10% to my church. Give 80% to Feed My Starving Children–I figure providing 800 million meals for people on their death bed would be just enough satisfaction for me to actually do this.


  2. I’d sponsor 100000 of those poor starving kids in other countries. And then, once they were healthy enough, I’d make them work in my sweatshop. Nah, not really. Maybe you could have partial ownership of the Red Sox? Something like that?


    • Yeah, my first thought is usually buying into a big league baseball team…but then the Dodgers just went and sold for $2 billion. I think that I’d need to win the lottery a dozen or so times to get into the mix nowadays.


  3. So, umm, how’d that work out for you?


  4. Aww, shucks . . . cafe, etc.


  5. Gotta be in it to win it….keep trying don’t give up.


  6. […] I realize that I said something similar back in March and I came up empty-handed, but this time it’s totally going to […]


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