My Faithful Readers, you can rest easy tonight.
That’s right, folks…Mitch Faber has been apprehended by the authorities.
The world is officially a much, much safer place today.
You don’t know who the hell Mitch Faber is…well he’s clearly a criminal of the highest order otherwise he wouldn’t have been “arrested and thrown in jail without bond, and then subjected to electronic home monitoring.”
What dastardly deed brought about this harsh punishment you ask?
What type of low-down, diabolical act could he have committed to deserve that penalty?
What unforgivable evil did he perpetuate to warrant such castigation?
Well—according to the fine folks at KSTP: 5 Eyewitness News—it was “failure to properly put up siding on his house.”
What the shit?!
The dude gets shackled up and tossed in the clink over some siding because it wasn’t up to snuff with the city suits.
How completely batshit insane is this?!
I get that cities don’t want houses getting rundown and dilapidated, but this seems like just a teeny-tiny overreaction.
Toss some fines his way. Sure.
Send a couple of angry letters. Not a problem.
Arrest the dude, toss him in jail without bond, and then treat him like he’s a f’n serial killer out on parole. Not so much.