Back in December, I wrote about my late-in-the-game discovery of Doritos Locos Tacos.
At the time, I couldn’t help but feel disappointed at the fact that Taco Bell was only releasing them in small test markets until they were ready for primetime.
Much like the rest of the world, I was forced to wait three long months before the fine folks—or are they diabolical villains—at Taco Bell headquarters decided that last week was the appropriate time for a nationwide launch.
It just happened to work out that I needed to make a Petco run for Honey and the closest Petco just happens to be across the street from the mall with Taco Bell in the food court.
I sauntered in as only a man about to boldly try innovative foodstuffs can saunter and meandered right up to the Taco Bell kiosk. I then waited for, like, ten minutes to order, because—well—f’n teenagers, right?!
I just hate teenagers. They really are the worst people.
It was 4pm, so of course they had to swarm the mall. It’s like a less civilized Planet of the Apes in there, with feral packs of hormonal monsters just roaming wherever they see fit.
The worst, however, is that they linger in lines. Whether they want food or not, they’re just going to camp out and kill some f’n time, because they’re young and they don’t know how to fill all the time they’ve got it.
Needless to say, this makes me a tad ragey.
If you don’t know what the hell you want, get out of line. If you don’t have any cash on you, don’t call your buddy who is at Foot Locker on the second level to come bring you some cash, get outta the f’n line.
Damn hippies with their cell phones and their ill-fitting jeans and their rock-and-roll music.
Anyway, I digress…as usual.
So I finally got to the window and had an odd, grammar-killing exchange with the man behind the counter:
Taco Tom: “Hey…what do you want?”
Cap’n Charisma: “I’ll have a Doritos Locos Taco.”
Taco Tom: “…you want a Doritos Locos Tacos.”
Cap’n Charisma: “Yeah, but just one of ‘em.”
Taco Tom: “That’s what I said, a Doritos Locos Tacos.”
Cap’n Charisma: “…right, but you keep saying the plural, I just want one.”
Taco Tom: *SIGH* “Listen bro, it’s just one taco. I get it, but we’ve gotta say Doritos Locos Tacos every single time.”
I nodded and accepted the butchering of the English language and completed the remainder of vomit-inducing order. Roughly ten minutes later I got my bag of poor decision-making.
(Blogger’s Note: Why is “fast food” almost never fast or food?)
I worked my way through the throngs of aforementioned demon spawn (ie: teenagers) until I could find a quiet table in the back of the food court.
I tore into the bag and pulled out the Holy Grail I’d been waiting three long months to devour.
Unfortunately…it looked kinda like this:
Not one to be detoured simply by food that looks less-than-awesome, I forged ahead and tore right into the neon orange monstrosity.
The first bite was a whole bunch of Dorito-flavored shell and sour cream.
The next bite was a whole bunch of Dorito-flavored shell and shitty Taco Bell meat-like filling.
The next bite caused the entire thing to break in two and spill all over my hands and the wrapper.
At this point, I slowed to further examine what was happening.
I ignored the rest of the taco innards because, well, it’s Taco Bell and not Taco John’s, which means it is gross.
I focused on the shell and under closer inspection it become painfully obvious that it wasn’t just a taco shell-shaped Dorito. That would have been too simple and too awesome.
Instead it was an allegory for broken dreams…covered in nacho cheese dust.
You see, My Faithful Readers, I’d envisioned this being the pinnacle of modern food engineering. I thought that combining Doritos and tacos was the next logical step in food science.
I was wrong.
I was dead f’n wrong.
The shell tasted like a stale, gas station knock-off version of Doritos. It was some seriously depressing stuff. My heart was broken. My dreams shattered. My hopes for a world where food can seamlessly meld together turned to (nacho cheese) dust before my eyes.
To deal with my frustrations, I did what any proud man would do; I stormed the hell outta there!
Well, first I ate the rest of the taco, my Cheesy Crunch Gordita, my steak quesadilla, and my large cherry Pepsi…and then I stormed out!!
Taco Bell, you’ve taunted me with your wares for too long to disappointment me like this, it’s over! I’m sick and tired of the games. I’m never eating Taco Bell again!
…you know, until the Cool Ranch version comes out this fall.