Nightmare Fodder: Hulk Hogan has a Sex Tape

You read that right folks, it seems that the moment you have never, ever even remotely anticipated is finally here. There is a sex tape featuring wrestling icon Hulk Hogan floating around as it awaits a high bidder to unleash it upon the world.

Now, I think I speak for all of us when I say…“ewwwwwwwwwwwww!”

I get that sex tapes are all the rage and can pretty much make a person a celebrity nowadays—*cough*KimKardashian*cough*—but let’s be honest, who benefits from this?

Hulk is already famous and part of Americana in a way that ensures he’ll never really go away.

The gal in the video is bumping uglies with the way-past-his-prime Hulkster, who is something like 145-years-old, so I can’t foresee this turning her into some sort of celebrity or anything.

If she’d made this video after he’d bodyslammed Andre the Giant at WrestleMania III and was on top of the world, then maybe this would be a career maker, but now? No way.

Anyway, enough of my preamble, let’s get to the details from the fabled beacon of journalistic integrity, TMZ:

We’ve seen a portion of the grainy footage — featuring Hulk getting undressed and a naked, unidentified brunette lying on a bed. The woman is NOT his ex-wife Linda or his current wife Jennifer McDaniel.

In the clip, Hulk pulls his shirt off and brags to his companion, “I started to work out again.” Hulk then runs his hands through his blonde hair like he always does.

The best part … Hulk’s thong-shaped tan line.

It’s unclear when the tape was shot — but Vivid honcho Steve Hirsch tells TMZ, he was approached with the tape very recently by a third party.

Okay, now I’m even less concerned about who benefits from the release of this video and I’m drastically more curious about who the hell is actually going to watch this shit.

Who in their right mind wants to watch Hulkamania runnin’ wild in the sack when he’s older than dirt and rocking a thong-shaped tan line?

I mean sure, there is probably some creepy sector of humanity—likely the middle-aged housewives of the ‘80s—who have been clamoring for this moment for quite some time, but we’re talking about modern day Hulk Hogan here, not the roided up behemoth from his heyday.

Anyway, I digress…I think the real question here is whether there is any way that this video doesn’t end with Hulk cracking her in the head with a folding chair and hitting her with a running leg drop before flexing into the camera and ranting about prayers and vitamins.