Posted by: Jeremiah Graves | March 2, 2012

Buy Me Things

If you’ve followed the blog for any amount of time, you’re well-aware that I’ve had more than my fair share of run-ins with library crazies over the years.

Many of those interactions have been shared with y’all right here and you may have picked up on a pattern.

It seems that nearly all of these interactions follow the same basic formula:

1) Crazy person approaches me.

2a) Crazy person talks incessantly.
2b) Crazy person yells at me.
2c) Crazy person says stupid things.

3a) Crazy person receives helpful service.
3b) Crazy person receives a dose of attitude/snark/douche-baggery.
3c) Crazy person receives a blank stare.

4) Crazy person eventually leaves.

5) Crazy person is featured on my blog.

Given that the second step of the formula is usually where things go awry, I can’t help but think it would be just peachy if there was some way to keep people from talking to me.

That could never happen though, right?

I mean we don’t live in some sort of crazy, space-age, sci-fi world do we?

Unfortunately, no; we do not.

Japan, on the other hand totally does:

”Japanese researchers have invented a speech-jamming gadget that painlessly forces people into silence.”

“The device works by recording its target’s speech then firing their words back at them with a 0.2-second delay, which affects the brain’s cognitive processes and causes speakers to stutter before silencing them completely.”

Best. Invention. Ever.

Seriously, I bet you could ask 100 people on the street and 95 or more of ‘em would rather have this freakin’ speech-jammer than a legit super power.

I’ve wanted super powers my whole life and I honestly think that I’d have to sleep on it if you gave me the choice of this gun or the ability to fly or shoot webs or read people’s minds.

This thing has so much potential to just bring an immediate end to everyday annoyance in a way that flying or web-slinging cannot.

Literally, in less than a second you can turn anyone into Keanu Reeves in The Matrix.

Annoying patron? BLAM. POW. ZAP. Silenced.

Boring staff meeting? WHAM. BOOM. KAPOW. Silenced.

Teenagers? SHUT. THE. HELL. UP. Silenced.

This thing is pretty much the best thing to happen to humanity since Double-Stuff Oreos (seriously, they’ve got double the filling, y’all).

So get out there and buy me this speech-jammer gun!!



  1. Definitely liking this idea. It’s the Shut-Up-Fool-O-Matic. Where can I sign up to buy one? I don’t know what crazy people think they have carte blanche with library staff as a captive audience.


    • Apparently if you’re behind a desk, all you want to do is listen to crazy people all day long.

      That must be written somewhere in the crazy person handbook.


  2. But then you’d have to find something else to write about for our entertainment.


    • You know, I hadn’t thought about that aspect of it. If the crazies can’t talk, I’ve lost out on roughly a third of my material for the blog. Hmmmmmm…back to the drawing board.


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