Posted by: Jeremiah Graves | February 25, 2012


I don’t know why people think that anyone sitting behind a desk is automatically super interested in listening to their problems, but that’s the way it works most days.

Yesterday was one of those days.

In fact, yesterday was so much more than just one of those days. Yesterday was one of those ridiculous days where the patron not only expects you to be super giddy about listening to their personal bullshit, but they also view you as some sort of licensed psychologist who offers up free advice with every book they checkout.

There is one very large subset of people who generally feel this is the case…people with crazy eyes.

Sure enough there I was, just chilling at the circulation desk when I see some poofy-haired gal slowly walking my way looking totally shell-shocked. I had yet to see her eyes, but when you’ve been in this line of work long enough, you can usually sense the crazy just wafting off of people.

I hoped against hope that she was just leaving the library, perhaps all stressed out from a test or something.

I was not so lucky.

Callie Crazypants: “It’s a good thing to be ‘strong-willed’ and hard to change.”
Cap’n Charisma: “…excuse me?”
Callie Crazypants: “It’s very good to be ‘strong-willed’ and hard to change.”
Cap’n Charisma: “…what?!”
Callie Crazypants: “Those are good things. Right?!”
Cap’n Charisma: “I’m sorry, but…I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

This is where I realized I’d clearly made an error in judgment. Prior to this response, she was still moving toward the door and it seemed as though maybe she was just sorta talking out loud.

It became immediately obvious that I’d somehow implied I was now interested simply by responding to her question. She stopped shuffling and turned to stare at me as we continued…and that’s when I saw the crazy eyes in full-force.

Callie Crazypants: “I just received an email.”
Cap’n Charisma: “…okay?!”
Callie Crazypants: “It said that I am very ‘strong-willed’ and it’s hard to change my opinion.”
Cap’n Charisma: “…okay?!”
Callie Crazypants: “…and that’s a good thing. It’s good to be strong-willed. Right?!”
Cap’n Charisma: “Yeah, I guess. I mean…I think it would depend on the context and who is saying it, so whether or not it’s ‘good’ would vary from person to person and situation to situation.”

This was not the answer she wanted. This wasn’t even remotely close to the answer she wanted.

She went from staring at me to staring a hole right through the middle of my freakin’ head and got all fidgety and the crazy eyes seemed to triple in size and quadruple in crazy!

Callie Crazypants: “So you think it’s a bad thing too??”
Cap’n Charisma: “Well, no…that’s not what I said. I said that it varies from per—”
Callie Crazypants: “…YOU THINK IT’S A BAD THING TOO!”
Cap’n Charisma: “Listen…I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’ve got no context. Maybe it’s good. Maybe it’s bad. That depends on the situation and on the person making the call.”
Callie Crazypants: “What do you mean? It’s a good thing! It’s a very good thing to be strong-willed.”
Cap’n Charisma: “Fine…whatever. You’re right.”
Callie Crazypants: “You’re all the same!”

At that she went back to shuffling toward the door and mumbling to herself about how we’re all the same and intermittently laughing like a maniacal movie villain. All the while flashing those trademark crazy eyes at everyone who walked by her on their way into the library.

Now, I’ve got no idea what the shit that was all about, but I’m going out on a limb and I’m going to say maybe she’s on the outs with some dude (or another Iowan? or library worker? or bearded person? or kettle chip enthusiast?).

That would explain the “you’re all the same” line.

I’m going to venture another guess to assume that the dude in question is on the outs with her because of her strong-willed nature, which I experienced first-hand. The dude hit the nail on the head here. Just sayin’…

I’m also going to guess that she’s probably since stabbed that guy dead and disposed of his remains in the river.

Crazy eyes mean trouble, ya’ll.

Never forget that.



  1. Based on your written dialogue, you walked into this. Too long of responses. Love you!


    • Yeah, I realize that, but it’s hard to not respond when someone is just standing there staring at you all crazy like.


  2. Looks like Judge Doom from “Who Framed Roger Rabbit.”

    I don’t have to deal with too many of these, but usually I get the religious fanatics and the really lonely old people. It must be my perfume or the way I wear my hair. Dunno.


    • Perhaps we should both try shaving our heads bald and wearing nothing but skunk musk.

      If it works, we’ll be Gods among library folk far and wide!


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