Buy Me Things

My Faithful Readers, I’m pretty freakin’ excited right now.

It’s Girl Scout Cookie season which is always an awesome and awful time for me, because I’m a total fatty.

You see, when I eat Girl Scout Cookies. I don’t eat them one or two at a time. I don’t even have the resolve to settle for eating them by the handful.

No, no…I devour those f’n morsels of saturated fat-laden goodness by the box.

If you sit me down with a box of Thin Mints—especially if you’ve put ‘em in the freezer first—you can go ahead and safely assume that the entire box will be in my stomach within ten minutes.

I’m a freakin’ animal around those things.

This year, things are getting amped up to the max.

The Girl Scouts are pumping out a “new” cookie called “Savannah Smiles.”

Here’s the description of the “new” cookie from the Girl Scouts official website:

Celebrate the anniversary of the Girl Scouts with these bite-sized, lemon-wedge cookies dusted in powdered sugar and bursting with lemon flavor. Enjoy these delightful treats, remember where Girl Scouts began …and smile.

Perhaps that sounds vaguely familiar?

Well it should, because they had these suckers roughly half-a-decade ago for an all-too-brief one-year stint.

They were called “Lemon Coolers” at the time and they were most amazing f’n cookie I’d ever eaten.

I plowed through three boxes in one sitting.

It was like a National Geographic special. I just tore into the boxes with reckless abandon and, like, half an hour later, I was covered in powdered sugar and full of sucrose and shame.

It was glorious.

…and then they f’n vanished.

Just like that they were a one and done cookie and I was FURIOUS.

They tried to replace them with some weak-ass cookie called “Lemonades” which were like a shortbread cookie with lemon icing.

It was total horseshit.

I ate six of ‘em—a man still has needs, y’all—and then I physically assaulted the box with a spatula while listening to speed metal just to prove a point.

Now, they’re back…more or less.

They’re claiming this cookie is a brand-new creation and they’re pimping them under a new name, but I couldn’t care less about the new marketing or the fact that they’re pretending that “Lemon Coolers” never existed. The important thing is that I can get my grubby little mitts on ‘em again.

The only issue here is that I have yet to encounter a pack of those khaki-clad drug-dealer trainees anywhere.

Usually by now I’ve encountered multiple groups of tiny girls pimping their Thin Mints and Samoas (Blogger’s Note: like hell if I’m ever gonna call those things “Carmel de Lites”) all over town.

This year, not a damn one. It’s like they’re all in the process of earning a stealthy ninja merit badge or something.

I’m going to keep searching, but in the meantime if you encounter these cookies, you pounce. You pounce like your life depends on it, because it just might.

Seriously, if I find out you had a chance to hook me up with these little crack-like nuggets of lemony-awesomeness and you didn’t get the job done…well, by-golly, my vengeance shall rain down upon you like a sledge-hammer covered in syphilis.

…but, uh, yeah…all threats aside, help a brotha out!