Heidi Watney is (Fiscally) Way Outta My League

My Faithful Readers, it was roughly one month ago that I came here asking for your donations for a very, very worthy cause…helping me land a date with Heidi Watney.

…also cancer research, but let’s focus on Heidi for right now.

Unfortunately, I received very few (read: not a damn one) donations from y’all.

As a result, when the third annual Project Cupid Charity Date Auction rolled around last Saturday night, I was unable to join in the festivities.

(Blogger’s Note: I did, however, make the official “media page” for the event thanks to the aforementioned post. So, uh, there’s that?!)

Now I’m not blaming all y’all…completely. A lot of this is on me for not doing more to raise funds. I could have sold more blood. I could have taken more money from my workplace. Hell, I’m pretty sure that I only mugged a dozen or so tourists out on Boston Common.

I definitely could have put in more effort.

I mean seriously, I didn’t rob a single bank. I didn’t rip open a single ATM. I didn’t even attempt to pull a scene-by-scene remake of The Town and jack an armored car.

I dropped the ball. There’s no denying that.

In the end, the date with Heidi—which includes: batting practice at Fenway Park, dinner at Jerry Remy’s Sports Bar and Grill, and front row seats to a Red Sox game—sold for $5,500.

That is obviously more money than I had on hand, but I can’t help but think I totally could have pulled that off with some more effort—*cough*and donations*cough*—but clearly it was not meant to be.

What makes it worse, however, is that the dude who did win it all was, well, this f’n guy:

Now, I don’t want to say anything bad about this Daniel Burgoyne guy who won the auction. I wish I could say it was because I’m a nice person or because his donation supports a great organization.

In reality, it’s because while I was researching who he was and where I could find him (note: Lincoln, Rhode Island), I learned that the dude is also a freakin’ lawyer.

With that in mind, I’m going to choose not to say anything negative about the dude who won the company of my favorite buxom, blonde, baseball-lovin’ bombshell.

Seriously, I won’t mention his goofy smile even once. And I promise I won’t mention that Heidi looks completely scared for her life in that photo.

Nope, not gonna do it.

I’m going to take the high road…and paste my head onto a photo of Heidi from the event.

Yeah, that’s nice. That makes it all better.

Now, I may not have won a date with Heidi, but I’ll always have the joy of knowing that she read my blog and thought it was “pretty funny.”

If that ain’t love, I don’t know what it is.