Posted by: Jeremiah Graves | February 13, 2012

Heidi Watney is (Fiscally) Way Outta My League

My Faithful Readers, it was roughly one month ago that I came here asking for your donations for a very, very worthy cause…helping me land a date with Heidi Watney.

…also cancer research, but let’s focus on Heidi for right now.

Unfortunately, I received very few (read: not a damn one) donations from y’all.

As a result, when the third annual Project Cupid Charity Date Auction rolled around last Saturday night, I was unable to join in the festivities.

(Blogger’s Note: I did, however, make the official “media page” for the event thanks to the aforementioned post. So, uh, there’s that?!)

Now I’m not blaming all y’all…completely. A lot of this is on me for not doing more to raise funds. I could have sold more blood. I could have taken more money from my workplace. Hell, I’m pretty sure that I only mugged a dozen or so tourists out on Boston Common.

I definitely could have put in more effort.

I mean seriously, I didn’t rob a single bank. I didn’t rip open a single ATM. I didn’t even attempt to pull a scene-by-scene remake of The Town and jack an armored car.

I dropped the ball. There’s no denying that.

In the end, the date with Heidi—which includes: batting practice at Fenway Park, dinner at Jerry Remy’s Sports Bar and Grill, and front row seats to a Red Sox game—sold for $5,500.

That is obviously more money than I had on hand, but I can’t help but think I totally could have pulled that off with some more effort—*cough*and donations*cough*—but clearly it was not meant to be.

What makes it worse, however, is that the dude who did win it all was, well, this f’n guy:

Now, I don’t want to say anything bad about this Daniel Burgoyne guy who won the auction. I wish I could say it was because I’m a nice person or because his donation supports a great organization.

In reality, it’s because while I was researching who he was and where I could find him (note: Lincoln, Rhode Island), I learned that the dude is also a freakin’ lawyer.

With that in mind, I’m going to choose not to say anything negative about the dude who won the company of my favorite buxom, blonde, baseball-lovin’ bombshell.

Seriously, I won’t mention his goofy smile even once. And I promise I won’t mention that Heidi looks completely scared for her life in that photo.

Nope, not gonna do it.

I’m going to take the high road…and paste my head onto a photo of Heidi from the event.

Yeah, that’s nice. That makes it all better.

Now, I may not have won a date with Heidi, but I’ll always have the joy of knowing that she read my blog and thought it was “pretty funny.”

If that ain’t love, I don’t know what it is.



  1. We at Project Cupid (well, at least me, but im pretty sure my wife too) find both the original post and this post quite funny as well. Im not quite as attractive as Ms Watney, however, so it probably doesnt count for quite as much.

    But hey, as long as Heidi stays single…there’s always next year. Start saving now.


    • I like the way you think, Josh!

      I’m officially headed into penny-pinching mode.


  2. You could probably pick up another job at an esteemed 7-11 to assist in your bidding needs.


    • Touche!

      If Heidi is back on the market next year, I know to set the base-level around the $6,000 mark.

      Now, if only I knew how to make meth?! :-/


  3. If you’d have told me your goal was to go to a game at Fenway, I’d have sent you ten bucks. Hope you get it next time, muchacho.


    • Next time perhaps I should lay out the entirety of what the date entails to entice the rest of My Faithful Readers to kick in some cash.

      I guess I got caught up on the whole “date with the mega hot baseball reporter” thing and never really got past that.


  4. You put your head on my body… I’m not sure how I feel about that, bro.


    • Legit. I could see how that would be an odd experience.

      On the bright side, you actually got to hang out with Heidi, I’m the guy resorting to pasting my head on strangers’ bodies.

      You win this round!


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