I’m not a real big fan of Russell Brand.
I just want to get that out of the way up front so there’s no question about it as we chug along here.
He’s a big clod and I don’t think he’s funny. Short of two or three lines in Forgetting Sarah Marshall he’s never done anything to make me think he’s anything but a tool.
Heck, he’s more than a tool…he’s a toolbox…no, no…he’s an entire toolshed…no,no…he’s a Home Depot Superstore.
Here’s the scoop according to the ever-reliable folks over at OK! Magazine:
The British-born comedy actor is said to be desperate to hook up with the New Girl star, whose own marriage to Death Cab for Cutie front man Ben Gibbard recently came to a grinding halt.
“Russell has had his eye on Zooey for a long time,” discloses an insider. “And he’s been sending funny, flirty texts to see if they can get together.”
The insider continues, “He thinks she’s hysterically funny and cute, too. He loves her quirky sense of humor, and thinks they’d be great together both on-and off-screen. There’s a real spark there.”
Oh hell no.
This was the last straw, Brand.
I let the Katy Perry thing slide, because I knew it was going to end eventually.
I let the awful remake of Arthur slide, because—much like the rest of the world—I didn’t see it and I’m pretending it never happened.
I let you get away with looking like some kind of hipster troll doll with your crazy f’n hair and skinny jeans, because you’re the one who looks like the jackass and I’m okay with that.
I even let it go that you’re somehow tabbed to “star” in the completely unnecessary remake of Drop Dead Fred…mostly because I’m hoping the studio will back out before you get to ruin that movie.
This, however, is pushing it one step too far, Bucko.
If you make one legit pass at Zooey, I will come to your house under the cover of nightfall and bludgeon you to death with a hammer wrapped in barbed-wire and covered in bird flu.
Take heed, Brand…your days are numbered.