Posted by: Jeremiah Graves | February 4, 2012

People I May Heinously Murder: Russell Brand

I’m not a real big fan of Russell Brand.

I just want to get that out of the way up front so there’s no question about it as we chug along here.

He’s a big clod and I don’t think he’s funny. Short of two or three lines in Forgetting Sarah Marshall he’s never done anything to make me think he’s anything but a tool.

Heck, he’s more than a tool…he’s a toolbox…no, no…he’s an entire toolshed…no,no…he’s a Home Depot Superstore.

Yet, somehow this douchenozzle managed to get Katy Perry to marry him—albeit briefly—and now he’s setting his sights on a gal who looks quite a bit like his ex-wife, the one and only Zooey Deschanel.

Here’s the scoop according to the ever-reliable folks over at OK! Magazine:

The British-born comedy actor is said to be desperate to hook up with the New Girl star, whose own marriage to Death Cab for Cutie front man Ben Gibbard recently came to a grinding halt.

“Russell has had his eye on Zooey for a long time,” discloses an insider. “And he’s been sending funny, flirty texts to see if they can get together.”

The insider continues, “He thinks she’s hysterically funny and cute, too. He loves her quirky sense of humor, and thinks they’d be great together both on-and off-screen. There’s a real spark there.”

Oh hell no.

This was the last straw, Brand.

She's off-limits you limey bastard!

I let the Katy Perry thing slide, because I knew it was going to end eventually.

I let the awful remake of Arthur slide, because—much like the rest of the world—I didn’t see it and I’m pretending it never happened.

I let you get away with looking like some kind of hipster troll doll with your crazy f’n hair and skinny jeans, because you’re the one who looks like the jackass and I’m okay with that.

I even let it go that you’re somehow tabbed to “star” in the completely unnecessary remake of Drop Dead Fred…mostly because I’m hoping the studio will back out before you get to ruin that movie.

This, however, is pushing it one step too far, Bucko.

If you make one legit pass at Zooey, I will come to your house under the cover of nightfall and bludgeon you to death with a hammer wrapped in barbed-wire and covered in bird flu.

Take heed, Brand…your days are numbered.



  1. 1. Get Him to the Greek was actually pretty good, and made me switch from hating Brand to kind of liking him.

    2. Katy and Zooey are essentially the same person, so we can assume Zooey’s an understandable rebound, yes?

    3. Oy, watch it with the “Limey bastard” remarks, mate. I’ll allow “bastard” but leave the “Limey” out of it or I’ll have to pound on you a little bit. Just saying.


    • Somehow I knew that you would take umbrage with the “Limey bastard” comment.

      Even when typing it, I was just like “DGobs is not gonna dig this.”


  2. “….covered in bird flu.” <—-That's just great! And I agree on all counts – Russell Brand is a toolee, Zooey does look a lot like Katy (& I love her sense of humor, too) and she's also way too good for Russell Brand, who looks like he styles his hair every morning by sticking his penis (or his finger, whichever…probably both) in a light socket.


    • That was supposed to sat “tool”….IDK why it came out “toolee” lol.


    • If you’re gonna take a dude out, always slather some bird flu on your weapon of choice. It’s just good planning.

      I hate his hair so much. I think you’ve definitely figured out his…um…”styling technique” as it were.


  3. Remake Drop Dead Fred?

    *agonized scream*

    Ah, now I feel just the slightest bit better. And I agree with you that RB is a douchebag.


    • I know, right?!

      There is ZERO reason to remake Drop Dead Fred, they did it right the first time, now back the hell off, Hollywood!!


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