Baseball Player Sues Dude Who Had a Bottle Rocket Blow Up in His Butt

I wanted to come up with a witty introduction, I really did.

I wanted something that would serve as a great lead-in to the story, but the title pretty much says it all. There is literally nothing I could add to this to make it any more compelling.

Heck, right now you’re already thinking about skipping through the rest of the intro to get to the nugget of news below.

I don’t blame you. I’d have skipped ahead too.

So let’s just do this, here it is in all of its cringe-inducing glory:

A West Virginia college student is suing a fraternity for negligence, claiming he fell off a deck because a bottle rocket went off in another student’s rectum.

Louis Helmburg III of Marshall University is suing the Alpha Tau Omega Fraternity and fraternity member Travis Hughes, claiming he suffered injuries at a party in 2011 after the allegedly drunken Hughes attempted to fire a bottle rocket from his anus, Courthouse News Service reported Thursday.

“Instead of launching, the bottle rocket blew up in the defendant’s rectum, and this startled the plaintiff and caused him to jump back,” and fall off the deck, the lawsuit contends.

In the suit, filed in Cabell County Court, Helmburg claims he suffered pain and medical expenses and lost playing time on Marshall’s baseball team, and that the fraternity was negligent in supervising its guests and members.

What the shit is going on here?!

This dude is actually suing the guy who had the bottle rocket explode in his poop chute?

For realsies?!

I realize I’m not a lawyer or anything, but how in the blue hell does this make any sense?

This dude can’t win this freakin’ case. He just can’t. Maybe someone should tell him that now.

Okay, maybe I’ll break this down…he’s a baseball player, so let’s look at this in a way he’ll understand.

You were hanging out at a frat – strike one.

You were drinking with the type of people who think it is funny to launch bottle rockets from their ass – strike two.

You were “startled” when an explosive device—that’s sole purpose in life is to explode and make noise—exploded and made noise. After it had been lit. Which is how you know it’s about to explode – strike three.

There’s no way this guy wins in this case, right?

Suing the frat because they didn’t have a suitable railing on their deck? Sure. Fine. Whatever, I could care less.

But you can’t go around suing the dude who blew his pooper to smithereens after a few too many shots of Jagermeister just because you couldn’t flail at breaking balls for a couple of days.

You…you just can’t.

It’s like suing the family of a dude you murdered because you broke your hand pummeling him to death.

What say you, My Faithful Readers…does this dude have any right to be suing the guy—who is likely going to be pooping into a bag for the rest of his life—just because he missed a couple of baseball games?