Posted by: Jeremiah Graves | January 25, 2012

Buy Me Things

Holy hell.

Look at that thing—the claw, not the dude—and try to tell me that’s not the most redonkulous thing you’ve ever seen.

Seriously, look at it. Look at it hard and really let it marinate.

How messed up—and yet simultaneously awesome—is that thing?!

Awesome enough that you should certainly buy me the (take a deep breath, this is a long one) “Zombie Gear Demon Bones Tri-Bladed Fantasy Hand Claw” today!

I’m not big into the X-Men or anything, so I could give a rat’s ass about this being some kind of blatant rip-off of Wolverine or whatever.

I’m more intrigued by the fact that this thing is available without any sort of requirements (ie: age, mental health, crime fighting alter ego, etc.) listed on the website. Also, let’s focus on the fact that this is available on freakin’…and for less than $30.

What the heck is going on here?!

This whole thing feels like some sort of elaborate sting operation, right?!

This has to be the same way the feds trick burnouts into buying old coffee cans full of Vicodin and Xanax. It’s just too good to be true, right?! There’s seriously no way this is on the up-and-up.

I mean, if the dude selling this thing (and it’s gotta be the guy in the picture, right?) doesn’t run some sort of psych evaluation or criminal record check or half-assed Google search before shipping this sucker out, he’s basically an accessory to the inevitable string of murders that transpire as a result of this purchase, right?!

Although, I suppose if you want it for the same reason I do, maybe you’re not some sort of total whacko who is all but guaranteed to go on a statewide killing spree.

You see, I’m interested in this sucker because they seem to be pimping it as some sort of zombie defense tool. Personally, I think this thing looks pretty useless as a zombie killing device, because you’ve gotta be all-up-in the zombie’s grill to use it.

It does, however, have an enticing list of product features:

Now, I don’t know what the hell 440C Stainless Steel is, but a cursory glance at Google—and a quick glossing over of the first result—indicates that it is a pretty bad-ass metal that can hold up to the most extreme of zombie stabbing tasks.

I don’t know if the idea of a Velcro wristband excites me the way the seller was hoping it would, but I suppose it’s better than if it had one of those annoying charm bracelet clasps. Those things are damn near impossible to get hooked, let alone when you’ve got a set of 8.75” razor sharp claws attached to one hand.

Don’t even get me started on the weird, skull-thingity-thing design going on here.

Long story short, I’m intrigued.

I don’t know if it’ll do me any good against zombies and I can’t see a practical purpose beyond chopping veggies and stabbing homeless people for kicks and giggles, but I think I want this and I want it now.

So act fast, before my child-like attention span zeroes in on something else.


  1. is this how you are going to stake out the hackers?


    • My lawyers have advised me not to answer this question.


  2. Thanks for helping me find what to ask for at my next birthday, bru.


    • I’d hate to be the person who has to try and wrap the dang thing…


  3. My son would totally want one of those things. That is scary. And that dude, he looks like the doorknob guy from “Wonkenstein: The Creature From My Closet” that my son just finished reading. If that came out of my closet, I’d be scared for sure.


    • Yeah, the dude is straight-up scary as all hell. If he ever gets out of his mom’s basement, we’re all screwed!


  4. I’m with you, if zombies are coming I’m going to need a tactical shotgun, not a claw. All the same, when the bullets run out you’ll need some kind of blade. Shall we call this a survival investment?


    • I think that’s a solid way to look at it. I can’t help but think that it’s not easily transportable or accessible for quick use, but I suppose if you’re desperate and in a hand-to-decaying-hand fight with a zombie, it might be effective.


  5. Can we go back to the gummy bears? That was a lot less…murdery.


    • We’ll see, give me about ten minutes I’m sure something else will tickle my fancy and this will be forgotten.


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