A Letter to Everyone Watching Porn in the Library

Dear Everyone Watching Porn in the Library-

I know what you’re doing.

I may not directly see you watching porn, but it’s pretty obvious that’s what you’re up to.

When you walk in and you immediately choose the computer in the corner, closest to the wall where you know I can’t see the screen…I know you’re watching porn.

When you constantly turn the monitor so it’s facing the wall and only you and someone standing directly behind you can see the monitor…I know you’re watching porn.

When you get shifty and panicky every single time someone walks past you and you immediately click to another window…I know you’re watching porn.

When the window that’s always up when I walk by is the homepage for the library and you’re blatantly not searching for anything, but rather just staring blankly while you wait for me to go back to the circulation desk…I know you’re watching porn.

When you constantly look in my direction to make sure I’m not paying attention to you (which I am, constantly—I’m like a f’n hawk with night vision)…I know you’re watching porn.

When you’re not typing for extended periods of time, because you’re busy staring at the screen with a goofy “I see boobies…hooray!” grin on your face…I know you’re watching porn.

…but most of all, when you DON’T PLUG IN THE HEADPHONES ALL THE WAY like a complete amateur at the “Watching Porn in a Library-lympics” and I can hear the “oohs” and the “aahs” and the things slightly more graphic than “ooh” or “aah”…I know you’re watching porn.

This is when you get kicked out of the library.

There are no second chances in this game, Bucko.

Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Go directly to another library and leave me the hell alone.

Signed,

Everyone Who Has Ever Worked in a Library, Ever