Posted by: Jeremiah Graves | January 18, 2012

Mark Wahlberg Would Have Stopped 9/11 (or Maybe Not)

I’ve never been a real big Mark Wahlberg fan.

The dude just doesn’t do it for me. He’s a meathead and no matter what role he’s supposed to be playing all I see and hear is a meathead.

As it turns out, what I see on screen doesn’t seem to be too far from reality if his quote regarding 09/11 in the February issue of Men’s Journal is to be taken even remotely seriously:

On being scheduled to be on one of the planes that crashed into the World Trade Center

“If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did. There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, ‘OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely, don’t worry.’”

So let me get this straight, if Marky Mark had been on his original flight he’d have somehow thwarted the terrorists with his bare hands AND safely landed the plane.

Yeah, that all seems to be on the up and up, right?!

That all sounds totally plausible.

There’s certainly no way he’s just completely talking out of his ass here.

Dude has to be messed up in the head, right?! Like we’re talking serious, legitimate, clinical mental illness. There’s just no way anyone is this f’n stupid.

Honestly, I’m suddenly worried that maybe Wahlberg thinks all of his movies are real.

Why are these camera guys always following me?

Seriously, does he know those are actors he’s been beating up and shooting at and blowing up all these years? Is it possible he thinks that his entire career has been one extremely lengthy reality show?

Does he really think he’s a bank robber? Or a renegade cop? Or a boxer? Or a porn star? Or another bank robber? Or another renegade cop?

He can’t really be this dumb can he?

I mean, by extension he’s basically come right out and said that everyone who died on those planes without kicking ass and spilling some terrorist blood was gutless and those who did fight back on Flight 93 were incompetent because they weren’t able to successfully land the plane the way Marky Mark would have if he’d been in that situation.

Maybe I’m reading too much into it, but that’s certainly how I’m taking it and now I just want to beat the piss out of Wahlberg with a pillowcase full of nickels.

Luckily, I don’t have to worry about getting knocked out by one of his phantom movie punches because he’s already been verbally beaten down by Deena Burnett-Bailey, the widow of Flight 93 hero Thomas Burnett, one of the dudes who stormed the cockpit of the plane and foiled the hijackers’ plans.

Here’s her take on Wahlberg’s bullshit from TMZ:

“Does Mark Wahlberg have a pilot’s license? Then I think hindsight is 20/20 and it’s insignificant to say what you would have done if you weren’t there. “

She adds, “The plan for Flight 93 was foiled by heroes. For him to speculate that his presence on board could have stopped everything is silly and disrespectful. Sounds like someone is grandstanding.”

I’m impressed she kept her statement that cleaned up. Hell, I’m impressed she hasn’t driven to Marky Mark’s house and castrated the cocky asshole already. She’s a better person than I’d be in that situation, that’s for damn sure.

Unsurprisingly, Ms. Burnett-Bailey wasn’t the only one pissed off at Wahlberg’s complete lack of respect and/or logical thought as he has been getting torn about for this pretty much all day today all over the interwebs.

As a result, he went ahead and released a statement today wherein he apologizes for being such a completely thoughtless shithead (my words not his):

In a statement released Wednesday, Wahlberg said it was “ridiculous” that he speculated about the situation in the first place.

“To suggest I would have done anything differently than the passengers on that plane was irresponsible. I deeply apologize to the families of the victims that my answer came off as insensitive, it was certainly not my intention,” he said.

No shit, Sherlock! Of course it was “ridiculous” to speculate and it was “irresponsible” to suggest you would have done anything different.

When someone asks you about the biggest terrorist attack in American history, you don’t talk about how you would nut-up and be the big bad-ass hero in that situation.

You show some respect and you admit how lucky your ass was to not be on that plane.

What a f’n meathead.



  1. There’s only one thing that could have stopped 9/11…Chuck Norris. I was laughing the whole time I read this.


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