Meet Your Next President…

I find it important to start every one of my “political” blog entries off by making it very, very clear that I don’t know the first dang thing about politics.

I am a horribly-informed US citizen who knows nothing about the issues, the parties or really anything that is happening at any point as far as the government or politics is concerned. In fact, if you were to vote for the least politically-educated person to talk about politics, I would win that election in a landslide.

That having been said, I’ve had no problem weighing in on various political issues in the past, more or less.

The most recent example being when I decided that there was absolutely no way that I could, in good conscience, vote for Mitt Romney.

Today, however, I’m writing about the exact opposite; I’m writing about the dude who has pretty much locked up my vote for the 2012 election, Vermin Supreme.

Perhaps you’ve never heard of Vermin Supreme, I know that up until twenty minutes or so ago, I hadn’t either. In the twenty minutes (give or take) since I heard about him, however, I’ve devoted myself to some intense research (read: checking Wikipedia) to learn all about this man who will undoubtedly be the savior of our fair country.

It turns out that Vermin has run for office many-a-time in the past, but never with the same compelling issues he’s rolling with this time out. He apparently caused quite the stir rolling out his platform during the “Lesser Known Candidates Forum” in New Hampshire.

First of all, who knew that was even a thing? Seriously, it doesn’t even sound real. It sounds like the type of thing that you’d put on for a bunch of people just to make ‘em feel better about not being real politicians.

Apparently, in New Hampshire all you need is a thousand bucks and ten minutes to fill out some paperwork and you’re officially on the ballot.

Peep this video for a quick rundown on what Vermin Supreme is all about:

That’s good stuff, right?!

I mean let’s be real, he probably had you in the palm of his, undoubtedly sweaty, hands right out of the gate when he was rocking the crazy boot-wizard look. It’s a good look and only a few folks can pull that off, that’s how you know he’s legit.

Anyway, let’s hit up the real issues here.

In case you couldn’t watch the video or just didn’t have the patience for it, here’s the lowdown.

His four big issues/campaign promises are as follows:

1) He will fund time travel research and subsequently go back in time to kill infant Hitler with his bare hands.
2) Zombie Apocalypse awareness and preparation.
3) Mandatory tooth-brushing laws.
4) Free ponies for all Americans.

Personally, I’m not overly concerned with the wizard’s plans to go back and kill off baby Hitler and I got over wanting a pony when I was like ten. Heck, I don’t even know where I’d keep the damn thing. We’ve got such a small apartment and I assume they’re expensive to feed and I’d have to buy a shovel or a really big litter box, it all just sounds like too much work.

The compulsory tooth-brushing laws, however, I can totally get onboard with. I may not always have minty fresh breath, but I floss and brush with regularity. The same cannot be said about a big ole bunch of the folks who frequent the library.

As fate would have it, the peeps who want to talk at you for large periods of time are usually the same ones who have yet to discover the miracles of oral care. It’s an unpleasant experience and, for that reason, this campaign issue alone could be enough to land my vote, but he really knocked it out of the park with his forward-thinking plan to prepare for the inevitable Zombie Apocalypse.

He doesn’t get too deep into the details in any of the videos I’ve discovered yet, but he does offer a brief snippet of how zombies could be used to help curb our dependence on foreign oil:

Not too shabby, right?!

It makes you wonder why some of the other big guns in the race aren’t hitting up these important issues yet.

Maybe they’re all waiting until it’s a tighter race before they pull out the real issues facing America.

Granted, by that point it’ll probably be Vermin’s election to lose and everyone else will just be playing catch-up.