Help (and Cold-Hard Cash) Wanted

My Faithful Readers, I am in need of a little bit of help.

Don’t worry, there’s nothing nefarious or life-threatening going on here. Certainly nothing you need to worry your pretty little heads over.

It’s just that I need all y’all to mail me as much cash as you’ve got on hand.

Heck, if you don’t have much on hand, I’m a-okay with you going out and stealing some from a bank or an ATM or an old lady or a 7-11, whatever it takes.

Long-story-short, Cap’n Charisma needs your cash and he needs it soon.

Why you ask?

Well let me show you…

Yeah, that’s right folks, Heidi Watney—broken collarbone and all—is going on the auction block in roughly a month’s time.

Now don’t get me wrong, this isn’t an entirely selfish endeavor.

Project Cupid (ie: the organization sponsoring the auction) is actually pretty bad-ass and has a great mission, here’s a quick rundown of what Project Cupid is all about:

Project Cupid was created in 2009 by Amy Blue after the death of her nine year old cousin Isaias Valentin’s eleven month battle with Acute Myeloid Leukemia, a cancer that begins in the bone marrow.

In our first two years, Project Cupid’s Annual Charity Date Auction has raised over $12,000 for the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute.

Project Cupid’s goal is to raise $25,000 with its 3rd Annual Charity Date Auction.

All proceeds will benefit the Acute Myeloid Leukemia (AML) research fund, a very rare subtype of leukemia that has a 83 percent death rate.

So there you have it, not only are you helping me and Heidi rekindle our romance, but you’re helping out a great charity too.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is what we call a “win-win” situation.

Obviously things have been a little on the rocks between Heidi and I since she announced she was leaving Boston for the bright lights of Los Angeles.

…you know, and since the restraining order and all that jazz, but this is a great chance for us to get things back in gear.

Unfortunately, there is this little bit of fine print on the website which makes me sad:

DISCLAIMER: Kindly be advised that participation in Project Cupid’s Charity Date Auction is strictly voluntary. The winning bidder will receive the allotted dining and/or gift package at the time of payment. Kindly note that Bachelors and Bachelorettes are at liberty to refuse a date with a winning bidder for any reason. Such a decision is outside of the control of Project Cupid or any person affiliated with Project Cupid, including The Jimmy Fund, Inc. and its employees. By making payment and accepting the winning items, you agree to indemnify Project Cupid, any person affiliated with Project Cupid, including volunteers, The Jimmy Fund and its employees from any liability, whether financial or legal in nature.

But let’s be real, there’s no way Heidi would turn down a date with me at a charity event.

…right?!

I mean, clearly she’d see my bidding all of your hard-earned/stolen cash and she’d understand that we’re meant to be together.

So let’s get to it, folks!!

I’m already selling my blood, donating my body to science, robbing unsuspecting tourists and creating fraudulent library charges left and right.

Do what you can to lend a hand (or a $20 bill) and together we can buy Heidi Watney!