People I May Heinously Murder: Whomever Broke Heidi Watney

My Faithful Readers, I come to you today with some very disheartening news.

Heidi Watney—yet another proud member of the BSBP Celebrity Crush list—has been broken.

Apparently, Heidi was playing some Ultimate Frisbee recently and broke her collarbone in what she described, via the Tweeterfaces, as a “full-speed collision.”

First things first, how awesome is it that Heidi plays Ultimate Frisbee, right?!

We have so much in common, which is why we’re totally going to make a great couple when the restraining order expires.

For those of y’all who don’t know, I’ve played some Ultimate Frisbee in my day and I kinda rocked at it.

Well, to be more precise, I was really awesome at sprinting like a madman down the field and then catching the Frisbee to score. It helps to be a foot taller than most people.

I couldn’t really throw a Frisbee to save my life. In real competitive games you’ve gotta be able to throw front-hand instead of backhand and I have the accuracy of Helen Keller when I try to throw like that.

You know, I seem to have gotten off-topic…let’s get back to Heidi.

So anyway, Heidi has been broken and it seems pretty obvious what must happen next.

I love me some Heidi Watney and that’s why it is time for me to avenge my sweet, blonde, baseball-lovin’ angel.

There is a rental car out front with out-of-state plates and it is rented in a dead man’s name. I’ve got three shovels, two bags of lye, plenty of rope and a tarp in the trunk. There’s a place just outside of Boston that’s ready and waiting for me to dispose of the body.

So Heidi the ball is in your court, all you’ve got to do is give me his/her name, phone number and/or address and I’ll take care of the rest.

You’ve got my digits—they’re in all the paperwork the judge gave you—and as you’re well-aware, I no longer have yours since you changed it at the end of the hearing and deposition, but if you want to just give me a jingle or shoot me an email or something, I’ll take care of this ASAP.