Posted by: Jeremiah Graves | December 18, 2011

Justin Bieber Blackmails High School Students (More or Less)

There are a number of songs that fall into the “Makes My Ears Bleed” category, one such song is “Baby” by Justin Bieber.

If you haven’t heard the song, consider yourself lucky. It is awful, but in a way that is just catchy enough that you can’t quite shake it.

I’d say that it could very easily be qualified as auditory herpes.

I’m not going to intentionally make anyone suffer—or start drawing in the “wrong kind” of readers—by embedding the video, but I will link to it for the sadists among my readership.

For those of you who were wise enough not to click through, here’s a sampling of the cutting edge lyrics you missed out on:

And I was like…Baby, baby, baby oooh
Like baby, baby, baby nooo
Like baby, baby, baby oooh
I thought you’d always be mine

It doesn’t take a large stretch of the imagination to figure out how completely freakin’ awful it would be to survive the song in its entirety.

Now imagine someone was playing it against your will, repeatedly.

…and the only way to make it stop was to give ‘em some cold, hard cash.

Call me crazy, but I think you’d go ahead and fork over the green without so much as a second-thought.

As it turns out, I’m not alone in my way of thinking.

Two students at the Evanston Township High School in Illinois thought the exact same thing when they enacted the aforementioned cruel and unusual punishment upon their classmates as a fundraiser to support a local café and arts center.

Diabolical Villains in the Making

Charlotte Runzel, student council president, and Jesse Chatz, student representative to the Board of Education, were able to convince the school administration to let them play Bieber’s “Baby” over the school’s public address system in between periods every day for a week.

The music wouldn’t stop until someone came by with a donation.

The two students were given one week—likely all the longer the school board figured they could push this before someone got shanked—to meet their goal of $1,000.

It turns out they’d set the bar a little low when it comes to people’s willingness to give up their hard-earned money to avoid what can only be described as “ear rape.”

Runzel and Chatz earned their $1,000 in just three days.

I’m not gonna lie, y’all…this is freakin’ brilliant.

When you play a song people hate on repeat, you get results.

I mean, obviously, you run the risk of the people rising up in anger to slay you, but come on, people are lazy as all hell, we’re talking about, like, a 30% chance at best.

There was a time when my oft-mentioned, tiny co-worker Roshni and I had an “MMMBop Off” to see who could go the longest listening to Hanson’s “MMMBop” on repeat without breaking down.

In the end, our IT guy cracked. He then promptly disabled the soundcard in each of our computers until we promised to never play the song out loud again.

That’s power, y’all.

These kids figured that out. They got the school administration on their side so that no one could stop ‘em—a key step we overlooked, ALWAYS get the computer geniuses on your side—and then they just blasted the piss outta people’s eardrums until they paid ‘em to stop.

That’s maniacal villain stuff right there. This is the type of stunt that the Joker or Lex Luthor would pull, because you gotta have ice in your veins to be this ruthless.

Granted, I’m pretty sure that weaponizing Justin Bieber and unleashing him upon an unsuspecting populace violates the Geneva Convention in like six or seven different ways, but other than that these kids are total bad-asses.



  1. I object to your vilifying MMMbop.


    • I was worried that you might.

      The point is it made Noel snap. That’s sayin’ something, because he’s Canadian and Canadians are notorious for not being affected/effected(?!) by anything…


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