Posted by: Jeremiah Graves | December 15, 2011


Since graduating college and entering the working world, I have spent an absurdly large percentage of my time fixing jammed staplers.

It boggles my mind how often people misunderstand the basics of proper stapler usage, especially at one of the most renowned universities on the planet.

Anywhere, here’s a quick little stapler-related snippet from a few months back.

Our scene opens with a fella we’re going to call “Stan Stapleton” pounding the ever-living dog piss out of one of our staplers whilst attempting to staple what appeared to be an entire ream of paper together.

Stan Stapleton: “…your stapler is broken.”
Cap’n Charisma: “Okay, let me see what I can do. You can try to use this one.”

I handed Stan another stapler and went about trying to un-jam the first stapler. Roughly seven seconds and two gigantic THUDS from his hand later…

Stan Stapleton: “This stapler is broke too.”
Cap’n Charisma: “Well, that’s a lot of paper you’re trying to staple together there. Maybe you want to try the heavy-duty stapler while I un-jam these.”
Stan Stapleton: “I’ll give it a try.”

Stan handed me the other newly-jammed stapler so that I could continue fulfilling all of my childhood dreams while he worked to attach all 30,000 pages of what was undoubtedly his dream journal together.

A few seconds later, it become all-too obvious that Stan was a huge Thor fan when he dropped his mighty, hammer-like hand down and jammed up the heavy-duty stapler.

Stan Stapleton: “All your staplers are broke.”
Cap’n Charisma: “No, they’re not broken, they’re jammed up because you keep beating them like plow mules.”
Stan Stapleton: “. . .”
Cap’n Charisma: “Hitting them harder doesn’t make them work harder. These are all regular staplers, not rocket-powered super staplers.”

There was an odd little period of silence, were it was pretty obvious that Stan wasn’t used to people telling him that he’d done something wrong. Stan was certain the staplers and, by association of ownership, the library were at fault.

Stan Stapleton: “…then how am I supposed to attach these?”
Cap’n Charisma: “Well, maybe you want to try somewhere with a legit, heavy-duty stapler. These things aren’t meant for something that thick.”
Stan Stapleton: “…lame.”

Then Stan walked off, clearly making his point in the process.

If your library doesn’t have staplers stronger than—or at least equivalent to—those at an industrial printing press, well then, by-golly…your library is lame.

Thanks, Stan.

It’s all so clear now.



  1. Those heavy-duty staplers are a PAIN to get unjammed.


    • I know, right?! I had to bust out a pair of pliers and shit.



  2. If your stack of papers are thicker than the staple is long it — probably wont attach the files even if it was rocket powered. MIT kids are so dumb sometimes… Here’s your sign


    • I know, right?!

      It makes me sad how often these super-geniuses are completely oblivious when it comes to everyday situational knowledge.


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