Posted by: Jeremiah Graves | December 7, 2011

Bryant University Makes Me Sad

I don’t know anything about Bryant University.

To be perfectly honest, I’d never even heard of the place until this afternoon. You could have told me it was in Idaho or Australia and I wouldn’t have known the difference.

Luckily, that’s why the internet exists.

A brief perusal of their website revealed some scintillating facts, such as:

• Bryant University was founded in 1863
• Bryant University is located on 428 acres in Smithfield, Rhode Island
• Bryant University has nearly 3,500 full-time and part-time undergraduates
• Bryant University has one of the country’s top undergraduate business programs
• Bryant University is listed in’s Best American Colleges

That’s some crazy-interesting, stuff, right?!

You know what else I found out?

Bryant University thinks everyone who attends is some sort of brainless, two-year old child who needs to be led around by the hand and spoon-fed whilst wearing a big ole Mickey Mouse bib around their neck.

No, no they don’t explicitly say so on their website, but I’m like 99.4% sure it’s the truth.

I know what you’re thinking…if the website doesn’t specifically say that, well then by-golly how do you know such a thing?

Well, lemme tell you.

While the website may not come right out and insult the brain capacity of the entire student body in so many words, they’ve done so in a very indirect way. The university website features a 22-page Powerpoint presentation entitled, “Walking on Ice…and Other Slippery Surfaces.”

The presentation features helpful bits of otherwise unobtainable advice, such as:

• Bending your knees a little and taking slower and shorter steps increases traction and can greatly reduce your chances of falling.

• As if there wasn’t enough danger of falling on ice, you must be aware of ice that might fall on YOU!

• Before stepping off the curb, make sure all cars and trucks have come to a complete stop.

• Wear a bright scarf or hat or reflective gear so drivers can see you.

In addition to this helpful advice, the presentation is also chock-full of amazing, high-resolution photos detailing the rigors of winter.

I know, right?

It’s like you’re suffering through a rough Rhode Island winter right now!!

I really hope that this was meant to be some sort of practical joke and this isn’t the university’s legitimate attempt at public safety, because if it is, I gotta think the nearly 3,500 undergrads and 255 graduate students are probably going to want a refund on their education or at least some sort of apology.

Personally, I hope the university apologies for insulting the student body via another lengthy Powerpoint presentation, there’s no way that wouldn’t be all-kinds of entertaining.


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