Posted by: Jeremiah Graves | December 5, 2011

Mister Graves Meets Mister Masseuse

It’s my birthday today.

I don’t usually do a whole lot on my birthday, but since today is “my Sunday” I figured I could actually take the time to do something different on my birthday.

I’ve had a free massage voucher in my name for more than year—Grace got it for me as an anniversary gift last year—and I finally decided I’d use it today. There’s certainly nothing better than having a stranger rub your largely naked, mostly-albino body on your birthday, right?


Anyway, so I went in and met the dude who was going to fill the role of “handsy stranger” today and usually the first question you get asked is “do you have any aches or pains…” or something along those lines so they know what areas to focus on.

This dude simply asked me if I was cool with him chit-chatting during the massage. Apparently, he likes to talk, but not a lot of peeps are down with making small talk when someone they’ve known for eight minutes has an elbow in their ass fat trying to work out a knot.

I told him that I’d be down with some small talk and I quickly found out that this dude was not lying, he really, really, really likes to talk.

Not only that, he’s a pretty honest fella without much of a filter. Oh yeah, and he giggles a lot.

All of that having been said, here’s a quick rundown of some of Mr. Masseuse’s greatest hits from today’s massage experience:

Mr. Masseuse: “You said you play softball, have you played recently?”
Cap’n Charisma: “Not in probably a month or so, how come?”
Mr. Masseuse: “Well, you said your knees were hurting and they’re in pretty rough shape. I just assumed you’d been playing a lot lately. What have you been doing?”
Cap’n Charisma: “…um…walking?”
Mr. Masseuse: “…just walking?”
Cap’n Charisma: “Well, I’ve been taking the stairs instead of the elevator…”
Mr. Masseuse: “…wow, your knees, man…your knees.” *Giggles*

Mr. Masseuse: “You’re too skinny. I can count your ribs.”
Cap’n Charisma: “. . .”
Mr. Masseuse: “One. Two. Three…” *Giggles*

Mr. Masseuse: “Were you stabbed?
Cap’n Charisma: “What?”
Mr. Masseuse: “These scars on your sides, you look like you were stabbed.”
Cap’n Charisma: “Oh…no, I had lung surgery in college.”
Mr. Masseuse: “…yeah, you should tell people you got stabbed.” *Giggles*

Mr. Masseuse: “You’ve got what we call ‘blogger arms. ‘”
Cap’n Charisma: “Blogger arms?”
Mr. Masseuse: “Yeah, your forearms are crazy-tight, but you’re not built like a weight-lifter. You spend a lot of time at the computer, huh?”
Cap’n Charisma: “…yes.”
Mr. Masseuse: *Giggles*

Mr. Masseuse: “You sure do have a lot of scars.”
Cap’n Charisma: “…yeah, I tend to get pretty banged up playing softball.”
Mr. Masseuse: “I thought only old men got hurt playing slowpitch softball.”
Cap’n Charisma: “Well, I do lots of sliding and diving.”
Mr. Masseuse: “…why?”
Cap’n Charisma: “Um…I guess to catch the ball if I don’t think I’m going to get there and to be safe at bases if it’s going to be close.”
Mr. Masseuse: “…you must be slower than you look.” *Giggles*

Mr. Masseuse: “You’ve got some awful posture.”
Cap’n Charisma: “Yeah, I know…”
Mr. Masseuse: “…no, like some of the worst I’ve ever seen. Ever.”
Cap’n Charisma: “…”

Mr. Masseuse: “When I first got into college, I thought I was going to be a chiropractor.”
Cap’n Charisma: “Oh yeah, what changed your mind?”
Mr. Masseuse: “I always thought I was going to accidentally break someone’s neck trying to pop it.”
Cap’n Charisma: “Oh…well, that’ll do it, I suppose.”
Mr. Masseuse: “Yeah, okay, let’s work on your neck now…” *Giggles*

…and finally, the quote that was my favorite of ‘em all:

Mr. Masseuse: “Your back is so tight and full of knots…you’re a masseuse’s Mount Everest.”

I’m not really sure how I feel about having a back that’s in such rough shape someone considers me to be his greatest challenge, but it’s my birthday, so I’m going to take it as meaning that I win at bad backs!!

Wooooooooo!! Go me!!

Author’s Note: If you’re one of My Faithful Readers and you’re in last minute panic mode about what to get me for my birthday, there’s one simple option that won’t cost you a thing…head over to Facebook and “LIKEBlank Stares and Blank Pages! If you already “like” the blog, force someone else to like it. I’ll count it as a gift from you!



  1. 94.8% he is gay


  2. I kept thinking to myself as I read this…”why is Graves getting a massage from a dude?”…aren’t guys supposed to rub girls and girls supposed to rub guys. Its just the nature of things.

    “blogger arms” classic!


    • …yeah, I always request a lady, but these cats were so booked up in advance that if I wanted a chica, I’d have had to wait until like mid-January to get my massage and I was pretty much dead-set on a birthday massage, no matter who was giving it to me.


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