Buy Me Things

My birthday is tomorrow.

What you see pictured to the right is a 26 pound gummy bear.

You do the math, folks.

Now I’m not a big gummy bear enthusiast under normal circumstances, but something about this monstrosity has caught my attention in a way that cannot be ignored.

I mean, come on, y’all…we’re talking about a freakin’ gummy bear that weighs 26 pounds, measures 17 inches long, contains nearly 32,000 calories and has a built-in serving bowl in its belly!!

You can use your gigantic gummy bear to serve regular gummy bears. It’s like someone took all of my wildest dreams and turned them into a real, diabetes-spawning creature that just happens to be completely edible. It’s amazing.

How amazing you ask, My Faithful Readers?

Well, peep this OFFICIAL F’N MUSIC VIDEO and see for yourselves…

…I know, right?!

I mean…seriously, right?!

Not convinced, yet? How about I toss you some fun facts from the official website…

• The bear contains more than 11 pounds of sugar.
• The bear is the equivalent of 265 snack-sized servings.
• The bear has a shelf-life of one year.

So there you have it, this bear is pretty much an immediate MUST BUY, right?!

I realize that the $150 price tag might scare a few of you off, but come on, it’s got free shipping within the United States…and it’s my birthday!!

Plus, if you do the math…one can figure that there are roughly 70(ish) regular gummy bears in a pound, and gummy bears generally run you right around $4 a pound. That’s roughly 6 cents per regular, tiny bear. This giant gummy bear is more than 6,000 times bigger than a regular gummy bear. Meaning it would cost you damn near $375 to buy as many gummy bears as you get in this one super, mega, ultra, life-changing (in most of the bad ways) gummy bear!!

If that’s not enough to do it for you, let me play up the guilt angle…who knows how many birthdays I’ve got left, right?! You might as well make this one count by getting me the world’s largest gummy bear.

…while you still have time to put a smile on my face.

Author’s Note: For anyone about to rush out and buy this sucker, you should know that it’s available in red cherry, orange, green apple, and blue raspberry…and I’m partial to the both the cherry and the orange.