People Make Me Sad

I’m an avid Coke drinker. It’s been my favorite soda since I was a kid.

Given that Coke is the top-selling soda in America and Diet Coke is the new number two ahead of Pepsi, I’m not alone on the Coca-Cola bandwagon.

As such, I assume I’m also not alone in knowing that each year Coke rolls out a holiday-themed design for their cans that includes either Santa, snowflakes or the iconic Coca-Cola polar bears.

This year they took it a step further by switching the can’s color from the traditional “Coca-Cola red” to a snow-white design featuring the polar bears.

Coke says this year’s campaign is part of a partnership with the World Wildlife Fund to highlight global warming’s threat to polar bears’ Arctic habitat. Coke is contributing up to $3 million to conservation efforts.

“The white can resonated with us because it was bold, attention-grabbing” and “reinforced” the campaign theme, says Scott Williamson, a spokesman for the beverage company.

Apparently—despite issuing special cans EVERY HOLIDAY SEASON since, well, forever—this proved to be a serious issue for a metric butt-ton of people who were too lazy to pay any attention to not only what they were buying, but also what they were sticking in their faces.

Here are some quotes from the Daily Mail:

“I purchased three six-packs because I thought they were diet,” said Gail O’Donnell of Danvers, Massachusetts..

“I drank one and wondered why it tasted so good. I didn’t look at the can. … I am a diabetic and can only drink diet sodas. They need to make it so it is not confused.”

“PEOPLE! Don’t be a victim,” wrote one consumer on Twitter, warning that mixing up Coke and Diet Coke is ‘a SHOCK to the palate!’

Those are people who were legitimately quoted by newspapers and websites, here’s a smattering of various comments pulled from various webpages covering the story:

“I donate a sizable amount to charity every year. If Coke wants to support a worthwhile cause, that’s okay. But who reads cans while shopping? This is just the marketing department trying to justify its existence.”

“I shouldn’t have to read or think when I buy things.”

“I bought ten cases of the wrong Coke when it was on sale. That’s going to make me fat. Coke is trying to rip us off.”

“Changing the cans is stupid and helping the bears is dumb. These are not fluffy little pets. They are bears. I am sure they have faced warming trends in the past and will do so again in the future. If you get close enough to a polar bear, it will kill you.”

“I’m diabetic and have to pay very close attention to what I eat and drink, so this is dangerous.”

“White can Coke tastes different from red can Coke.”

“I was with someone who opened up a diet coke the other day and then made a funny face when it didn’t taste right…it was a regular coke in a white can!”

“I don’t want to read things before I drink them.”

That’s right, people were purchasing regular Coke instead of Diet Coke—sometimes in bulk—without realizing what was going on.

Not only that, these same people who—based on their pissing and moaning—are either on very strict diets or very health conscious, didn’t actually take a second to stop and look at what they were ingesting.

The Diet Coke and regular Coca-Cola cans are clearly different from one another. One says—in gigantic letters—Coca-Cola and the other says—in equally gigantic letters—Diet Coke.

The outcry from the lazy masses was enough that Coke has discontinued making the white cans and will roll out a red version starting today. The company even issued a “fact sheet” so that consumers can tell the difference.

I’m not going to lie, I seriously fear for these people. What kind of danger must these assclowns be in on a daily basis if they can’t take two seconds to pay attention to what they’re purchasing and ingesting?

I have no doubt that half of these people would drink motor oil if it were still in a silver can instead of plastic bottles.

I assume most of these people accidentally made pies filled with kidney beans or creamed corn instead of cherry pie filling over Thanksgiving giving because they sure as hell couldn’t be bothered to read the labels on the cans in their cupboard.

These are the type of people who see a “Danger Keep Out” sign and go ahead and meander right on into the cobra pit at the zoo.

Sometimes people make me sad.