Posted by: Jeremiah Graves | December 2, 2011

Nightmare Fodder: The Amish Mafia

I’m not gonna lie, I’ve always been a little freaked out by the Amish.

It could be the beards. It could be that they aren’t down with electricity. It could be that their kids all play with faceless dolls. It could be that they have the whole crazy beard, no mustache thing going on.

It could really be any one of a bajillion things, but after reading about Sam Mullet and his breakaway sect, I’m pretty sure I’m freaked out because this dude is f’n whacko:

Six of Mullet’s followers were arrested on allegations they broke into the homes of Amish men and held them down while they sheared off their beards and hair.

From his compound outside of a small town in rural Jefferson County, Ohio, Mullet leads dozens of families with an iron fist. According to the FBI, those who disagree with him are beaten. Others are punished by being made to sleep in a chicken coop for days on end — even in the dead of winter.

Former members of the group say Mullet sleeps with the wives of the men who misbehave to ‘cleanse them of the devil.’

So, uh, there’s that…

Apparently, Mullet and his crew were excommunicated from the wider Amish church years ago because, well, he’s batshit crazy and it turns out the other Amish peeps aren’t down with it.

It turns out the federal authorities aren’t exactly down with it either and they’re charging Mullet and his crew with hate crimes. The charges carry a penalty of up to ten years in prison.

The reign of terror had reportedly been going on unabated for months. The authorities finally stepped in when the Amish went against their nature and sought outside assistance:

The attacks struck at the core of the Amish identity and tested their principles. They are pacifists and strongly believe that they must be forgiving in order for God to forgive them, which often means handing out their own punishment and not reporting crimes to law enforcement.

“You’ve got Amish all over the state of Ohio and Pennsylvania and Indiana that are concerned. We’ve received hundreds and hundreds of calls from people living in fear,” Jefferson County Sheriff Fred Abdalla said. “They are buying Mace, some are sitting with shotguns, getting locks on their doors because of Sam Mullet.”

The sheriff added, “Sam Mullet is evil.”

I said it in my last post, I’m no lawyer, but I feel like these whackos need to go away.

Sleep tight, y'all...

I mean seriously. This is pretty much the start of every horror movie ever, right?

Crazy Amish cult decides to go off on some sort of “cleansing” and takes out anyone and everyone in their path.

Michael Bay would direct that in a heartbeat, you know he would!

Nicholas Cage and Megan Fox are probably lining up to star in it as we speak and, let’s be honest, that makes it even scarier.

I’ve always been a little freaked out by the Amish and now I know for a fact that they’re going to haunt my dreams for the foreseeable future.



  1. I realize that this is a silly and somewhat childish comment to make, but I greatly enjoy that the man behind hair-related crimes is named Mullet. That is all.


    • I also found that to be the “cherry on top” for this story.


  2. […] to take criminals seriously anymore. It seems that they’re all complete dumbasses, misunderstood, total beardy kooks, or just […]


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