Posted by: Jeremiah Graves | November 17, 2011

Breaking Up is Hard to Do

I’m not gonna lie, it’s been quite some time since I was involved in a break-up (this and this notwithstanding and—let’s be real—this doesn’t count as a break-up until she escapes from my basement).

Grace and I have been together for nine years now and most of my break-ups in high school were of the “Oh, you thought we were a couple? That’s silly…” variety, so it’s been quite some time since I’ve had to go through the whole “legit break-up” situation.

As such, I’m not entirely sure how I’d react if Grace were to dump me tomorrow, but I hope I’d do something half as awesome as this guy:

Unlike the majority of guys, Smith went to great efforts to have a special ring designed just for her. She’d described her ideal ring and he’d followed it down to the very finest detail, including a canary yellow diamond.

But before he’d had the chance to propose, she broke it to him that she was actually leaving to be with someone else. Smith was now stuck with a broken heart and an expensive, niche ring which he couldn’t bear to look at. Even after selling it on eBay, he needed to get rid of the money and be done with the whole sorry situation.

So, he did what any sane gamer would do: have an artist create a full-scale suit of armour modelled after Master Chief from Halo.

Now granted, I’ve never played Halo and I keep reading Master Chief as Master Chef, so clearly this particular response isn’t up my alley, but I can think of a few equally asinine, yet somehow awesome things I’d go out and blow that kind of money on.

With that in mind, let’s assume the value of the ring was somewhere around $5000—I can’t imagine you can get a suit of custom made armor for any less than that—and use that as my budget as we take a look at the five ridiculous purchases I’d make in an emotionally vulnerable state if Grace broke up with my tomorrow.

5) Wrestling Ring

Ring, check. Now I just needs some dudes and a lot of spandex.

If Grace broke up with me tomorrow, it would undoubtedly be a sign that it’s time for some drastic changes in my life. I can’t imagine a more drastic change than becoming a professional wrestler. Clearly, getting my own ring for training would be a good first step.

I can purchase an 18’x 18’ring from the fine folks at Rings and Cages for the full $5000 or I could take it down a notch and go with a 16′ X 16′ ring from High Spots and save a little extra cash for my ring gear.

4) Cats


I love me some cats and what better time than after a traumatic, life-altering break-up to go out and just buy a whole freakin’ ton of ‘em. Right?

I think I’d just go to a random pet store or the ASPCA or something and just buy every cat they’ve got in the place. I’d get all the shots and other crap the cats need. Any money leftover would go to a bunch of litter boxes, litter, food, tons of toys and probably some Febreeze and maybe a lint roller for the fur.

3) Pickup Truck

Perfect for helping friends move or hauling bodies over state lines.

I’ve always had a thing for old school pickup trucks. It doesn’t have to be one of those totally boss ‘60s or ‘70s trucks, I’ll gladly settle for a two-tone clunker from the ‘80s or early ‘90s without so much as batting an eye.

Any cash leftover from purchasing the truck will undoubtedly go toward repairs and/or XM radio, because XM radio is the bomb-diggity.

2) Twins Season Tickets

My salty tears taste way better than ballpark beer.

Along the same lines as the previous option, if I’ve got a buttload of cash burning a hole in my pocket and I can purchase something I’ve wanted for a long time, I’m totally getting Twins season tickets. I assume that in the wake of my break-up with Grace, I’m going to move back to the Midwest to convalesce and mooch off of my friends and family while I spend my days crying and drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon.

That having been said, my proximity to Target Field will make these tickets a great purchase. Heck, if the Twins don’t suck, I can even sell some of the tickets and make some extra scratch on the side to help fund my inevitable meth habit.

1) Fleur Burger 5000

I hope I get a bowel obstruction so I can enjoy this burger for days!

That’s right, folks…it’s a $5000 burger. Why is it so expensive? Well, the burger is made of Kobe beef and foie gras—that’s duck or goose liver—and it’s topped with black truffles. It is served on a brioche truffle bun and is garnished with a sauce containing even more truffles.

Oh yeah, but it’s probably more to do with the accompanying bottle of Chateau Pétrus 1990 and the Ichendorf Brunello stemware, specially imported from Italy (which you get to keep).





  2. Can’t we just get a ring anyway?


    • …you know, that’s not a bad idea.

      Let’s do it to it, BWF REVIVAL 2k12!!


  3. I don’t plan on it, Mama Graves. 🙂


  4. […] breakup in a long, long time and thankfully nothing has changed in that regard since I detailed the many awesome things I would buy in the wake of a breakup with […]


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