Dog and Jesus Conspire to Steal Taylor Swift from Me

I think I’ve made it clear that I’m a pretty big Taylor Swift fan.

• I’ve blogged about the gal a number of times.

• I’ve got her poster hanging in my office.

• I’ve watched every one of her music videos something close to eight-bajillionty times each.

• I’ve purchased damn near every song that’s found its way to iTunes.

• I’ve endured endless amounts of ridicule as a result of my love and devotion to the flaxen-haired crooner.

Yet, when it’s all said and done, I’ve got my limits.

• I don’t plan to stalk the gal.

• I don’t plan to sneak into her house and steal any of her unmentionables.

• I don’t plan to cut off a lock of her hair and wear it around my neck.

• I don’t plan to kidnap her and keep her in a soundproof basement where I will spend my days brushing her hair and making her sing sweet, sweet love songs to me.

I’m just not that creepy.

You know who is that creepy? This freakin’ guy:

ANDOVER, Maine — State Police say a man arrested for allegedly breaking into an Andover home told them his dog and Jesus made him do it.

Police say the man was squatting at a home in the western Maine community last week while the homeowner was on vacation.

Authorities tell WGME-TV that the suspect told the investigating trooper that his dog and Jesus told him to break into the home because he was supposed to meet country singer Taylor Swift there and marry her in the back yard.

The suspect’s name was not released.

He’s charged with theft and criminal trespassing

…yeah, that’s right folks. Crazy McNutjob thought that all he had to do was break into a house and he’d get hitched to Taylor? Come on, if it were that simple, there would be dudes breaking into houses left and right.

Hell, I’d smash a window and shimmy into my neighbor’s place right now if I thought it meant Taylor was going to show up all-kinds of stoked for wedded bliss.

Here’s the thing, I can’t help but think that I’d want that information to come from a more reliable source than my dog and “Jesus.” The whole thing sounds like some sort of elaborate episode of Punk’d and Ashton Kutcher is just laughing all the way to the bank on this one.

Exhibit A

First of all, dogs are notorious liars. Let’s just get that out of the way right now. Seriously, when was the last time a dog gave you any worthwhile information that proved to be on the up-and-up?!

That’s right…never. Dogs are lookin’ out for number one. Period.

As far as the whole Jesus thing, I’m not gonna lie, it sounds a tad kooky. I mean, how did Jesus get a hold of him? Facebook? Skype? Twitter? Texting?

You know he didn’t call, Jesus never wants to use his daytime minutes. He hordes ‘em like one of those crazy people on TV hordes empty asprin bottles and dead watches. Dude’s nuts about them minutes.

That makes me think that he’s just playing the “Jesus said so…” card so that he doesn’t look like just another hayseed that got tricked into doing some stupid stuff by his dog.

I mean, we’ve all been there, right?!

Who among us hasn’t ended up butt-naked in an Arby’s because of a dog at least once, right?!

So you take that and then you toss Jesus into the mix and that’s a combo everyone can get on board with, no one (except maybe the police) is gonna hold that against a guy, it’s like a Jedi Mind trick one-two punch.

I’ll give the guy credit, you gotta respect the enthusiasm and effort on this play; you really do.

Unfortunately (for him), he’s probably on all-kinds of watch lists and figures to have half-a-dozen restraining orders coming his way.

Fortunately (for me), he’s probably on all-kinds of watch lists and figures to have half-a-dozen restraining orders coming his way.

Moral of the Story: Back off my gal, Nutjob!