Posted by: Jeremiah Graves | November 12, 2011

People I May Heinously Murder: F’n Hackers

There are a few places in the world that a man can hold sacred: his home, his favorite ballpark, his favorite bar and his office.

And believe me, folks, I love my office.

At some point between when we closed the library last night and when I came in this morning, someone violated the sanctity of my office and I know who it was…hackers.

In the past, I’ve mentioned the infamous hackers at MIT with mere annoyance and a bit of intrigue. I’ll admit there’s something impressive and awe-inspiring about some of the stunts they’ve pulled in the past.

Like seriously, getting a fire engine on top of the dome, that’s impressive stuff.

You know what’s not impressive? Wrecking my office in an attempt to hack the f’n dome.

That’s not impressive, that’s downright infuriating.

Here’s what went down:

I came in to work today and all the alarms were going off, apparently a bunch of hackers broke in at some point last night or early this morning and were trying to get up on the dome to get their hack on.

Given that there haven’t been any big hacks in awhile I suppose we were long overdue for this crap.

Anyway, so last week some peeps apparently tried to get up on the dome by busting through the ceiling in the office next door to mine. They didn’t screw with anyone’s cube specifically; they just popped out a ceiling tile and broke a few others over the printer.

This time, they appear to have split up with half taking the same route as last week—as evidenced by more ceiling tile crap all around the floor and new footprints on the printer—and the other crew decided to get into the ceiling via the closet in my cube.

In doing so, they managed to knock over just about everything on my desk, kick over a chair, leave footprints up my wall, knock down everything in my closet, rip up a bunch of papers, knock dust and insulation all over my stuff and—simply put—royally piss me off.

As such, I responded the way any sane person would…I hauled ass up into the ceiling in hopes of finding the sons of bitches and beating them unmercifully before dropping their dumbasses through the ceiling tiles to the floor below.

This is how I envisioned the entire experience...

Unfortunately, I didn’t find anyone because it was too freakin’ dark to see my hand in front of my face once I got up there. As such, I scampered back down and—after letting out a few choice obscenities—returned to the regularly scheduled process of opening the library.

Eventually a cop showed up in response to the alarms. Given that the alarms were going off well before I arrived, I am less than impressed by the response time. Equally unimpressive was the cop’s demeanor as he seemed to be convinced I was actually a hacker, likely due to all of the crap all over my clothes from crawling around in the ceiling.

I told him what went down and how I’d crawled around and didn’t see anything. He said he wanted to know what was up there, but didn’t think he’d fit, so he gave me his super-powered cop flashlight and sent me into the ceiling. I didn’t find anything, again…but I’m fairly sure I’ve been deputized, so there’s that?!

So that’s where the story ends, for now.

I’m contemplating the merits of lining the top of my office closet with razor wire to deter anyone who might want to use it as an access point for future shenanigans.

My other game plan is to fill the entire ceiling with thumbtacks or maybe cobras. I’m still on the fence about which one is the right choice.

Either way, if I ever catch one of those pricks climbing in or out of my damned ceiling and wrecking my office, they can go ahead and consider themselves warned, I’m going to grab ‘em by the ankles, yank ‘em outta the f’n ceiling and beat them into a bloody mess.

Don’t mess with a man’s office.



  1. 1. is mr bacon ok 🙂

    2. why not set up some cameras in your cube :). or

    3. hide in your cube and rock a hackers world with some “wrestling moves” Of course don’t forget the folding chair, and chains…


    • 1) Bacon hangs out at home, so he’s cool.

      2) Cameras? Who do you think I am? I struggle to use the microwave.

      3) I’m intrigued by the concept of hiding in my cube all night on a Friday to see what happens. Granted, it’d probably be even more fun to be hiding in the ceiling…dressed at Batman.


  2. 2. All you need is a wildlife camera 🙂 takes pictures at movement 🙂 just have to hide it


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